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Band 6

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

#people #retirement #age #e #g #years #everybody #occupation #workers #pension
In our current world where productivity is considered a key
economical
Correct word choice
economic
show examples
 aspect, there is a growing concern about unifying
retirement
Correct article usage
the retirement
show examples
age
 for all types of
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
. In
this
 essay, reasons not to consider
such
 policy and examples
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 what damage it can do to the
economy
 will be provided. The supporting side of
such
 unification would argue that employees should retire at the same
age
 because it ensures
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social justice between them. they might say that allowing early
retirement
 would harm organizations and companies which has been spending a significant amount of resources to develop an expert staff. Where
this
 argument might be valid, it is important to take the safety and risks associated with the
job
 in question to fairly calculate the
retirement
age
.
On the other hand
, there are many reasons to reject
this
 narrative.
Firstly
, it is obvious that the
risk
Fix the agreement mistake
risks
show examples
associate
Replace the word
associated
show examples
 with different work can vary significantly. As an example, Labor-intensive jobs might lead to some serious injuries and disabilities caused by the
job-nature
Correct your spelling
job nature
show examples
,
whereas
 the risk of
such
 accidents might be drastically lower in office jobs.
Moreover
, the fatigue that can be caused by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
labor-intensive
Change the spelling
labour-intensive
show examples
 work can have a toll on one's health after a significant amount of time.
Economy wise
Add a hyphen
Economy-wise
show examples
,
in
Correct word choice
if
show examples
 case unified
retirement
age
 is implemented, people would opt out from taking on labor-demanding
carriers
Correct your spelling
careers
show examples
 and
instead
 seek a comfortable desk
job
, which will create an unbalance in the market
,
Correct word choice
and, therefore
show examples
therefore
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will have a negative impact on
economy
Add an article
the economy
show examples
. In light of the above arguments, it is important to take
risk
Correct article usage
the risk
show examples
, safety, and
economy
Replace the word
economic
show examples
 needs of one's
job
 into consideration
while
 setting the proper
age
 of
retiring
Replace the word
retirement
show examples
, where a set in stone
age
 would not be fair for the people, but it would hurt
economy
 as well.
Submitted by kanchanakularathna1991 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and supports the main point of the essay.
task achievement
Provide more detailed and specific examples to support your arguments.
lexical resource
Expand your range of vocabulary and use more diverse and precise language.
grammatical range
Pay attention to the correct use of grammar and sentence structures.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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