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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The chart below shows the changes in ownership of electrical appliances and amount of time spent doing housework in households in one country between 1920 and 2019. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart below shows the changes in ownership of electrical appliances and amount of time spent doing housework in households in one country between 1920 and 2019. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#changes #ownership #appliances #amount #time #housework #households #country #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The diagram shows the
rate
Use synonyms
 of electrical
appliances
Change the noun form
appliance
show examples
 ownership and the duration of time taken to do household chores in a country between the period of 1920 to 2019. For an overview, it can be seen that the electrical
appliance
Use synonyms
 usage and
adoption
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 over
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
time has shown an upward trend from the
rate
Use synonyms
 of 0-40% in the early years to an
overall
Linking Words
 higher than 70%
adoption
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 in 2019.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the opposite trend is reflected
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the average duration needed to do the chores, which is diminished from 50 hours a week in the 1920s to a mere 10 hours.
While
Linking Words
 all of the electrical
appliances
Change noun form
appliances'
appliance's
show examples
adoption
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
rate
Change to a plural noun
rates
show examples
 shows a rise over time, the
rate
Use synonyms
 of the increments for each
appliance
Use synonyms
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 different.
Although
Linking Words
 the refrigerator
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 the least-owned
appliance
Use synonyms
 in the 1920s with almost 0
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
,
this
Linking Words
appliance
Use synonyms
 type experienced the most prominent surge to a whopping 90
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in the 1960s. In comparison, the washing machine and vacuum cleaner exhibit a less drastic rise in the
adoption
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 from the earlier year to the present with the vacuum cleaner rising steadily from 30% to 100%
while
Linking Words
 the washing machine experiences slight fluctuations and
showing
Wrong verb form
shows
show examples
 the least growth from 40% to 75%.
Submitted by febrinhidayat on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words rate, appliance, adoption with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "rise" was used 2 times.
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