IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Many young people change their jobs or careers every few years. What are the reasons for this? Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

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It is true that more individuals these days are deciding to eat healthy food
instead
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 of other kinds and are spending more time doing physical activities, and their choices are no doubt influenced by a variety of factors. In my opinion, there are different ways to convince other people to follow
this
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 lifestyle. There are various reasons why I would argue that many people in these days and ages choose
this
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 lifestyle.
To begin
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 with, it can be said with certainty that these are essential for maintaining both physical and mental strength. By
this
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, I mean that exercising regularly and eating healthy food would promote better sleep patterns, provide deeper and restful sleep, and impact positively on mental health.
Furthermore
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, the second reason would be engaging in sports or exercise, thereby reducing the risk of obesity and related health issues.
For instance
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, the majority of Americans have suffered from obesity
due to
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 their eating habits, consuming too many snacks and drunk food.
Therefore
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, many individuals choose
this
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 lifestyle because they are concerned about their well-being problems. I believe that there are several ways to persuade others to live like
this
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.
Firstly
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, educating about the benefits of healthy eating and physical activities, explaining how these can affect
overall
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 well-being.
Secondly
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, communities should offer encouragement and supportive environments, offering mentorship and guidance to instruct each resident.
Finally
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, the governments should spend more funds on social programs and community development efforts,
such
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 as local gyms opening for free for all residents or classes guiding about nutrition and exercise. Consider the case of District 9, located in Ho Chi Minh City, the administration there has used savings to open some parks for free for residents to engage in sports and exercises. In conclusion, there are many reasons to explain why some individuals these days choose that way of living and I believe that providing education, offering a better environment and funding social programs are the best ways to convince others.

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task achievement
Firstly, you need to ensure that the essay directly answers the question you're given. In this case, the topic was about job changes, while your response was about healthy lifestyles. This drastically affects your task achievement score, because you missed the mark on the topic. Always read and understand the question carefully.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is commendable, but, you did not always stick to the main topic in each paragraph. Although you mentioned important points, they were off-topic. Hence, you need to stay focused on the given topic and develop ideas related to it for your paragraphs. This will help you improve your score for logical structure and supported main points.
clear comprehensive ideas
You need to give relevant and specific examples that directly support your points. In this essay, while you provided examples like the case of District 9, they don't clearly fit the topic discussion. Examples should be consistent with your arguments and relevant to the question prompt.
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