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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries around the world, rural people are moving to cities, so the population in the countryside is decreasing. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

One of the
wildly
Replace the word
widely
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 discussed issues nowadays is
Use synonyms
people
Correct word choice
that people
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 believe that an increase in
population
Use synonyms
 throughout the world is unsustainable or will cause a global crisis. Others strongly believe
if
Correct word choice
that if
show examples
 the world's
population
Use synonyms
increases
Punctuation problem
increases,
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 it is important and helpful
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 helps
the
Correct article usage
apply
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societies to grow. On one hand,
people
Use synonyms
 who think growth is dangerous
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 want to say that Earth has limited resources. More
people
Use synonyms
means
Correct subject-verb agreement
mean
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 more requirements,
such
Linking Words
 as food, water and energy. Which leads to
shortage
Correct article usage
a shortage
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.
For instance
Linking Words
, the forest can be cut down for facilities
or
Punctuation problem
, or
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high
Correct article usage
a high
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population
Use synonyms
 will harm the environment because of more cars and factories. Overcrowded cities may
also
Linking Words
 face challenges like traffic problems, poor
conditions
Check wording
living conditions
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 of living and healthcare risks.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, those who say an increased
population
Use synonyms
 is strong for the
economy
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 wanted to convey that a bigger
population
Use synonyms
 means more
spaces
Fix the agreement mistake
space
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 for workers and customers.
This
Linking Words
 helps businesses grow and create a new workplace.
For example
Linking Words
, in countries where fewer young
people
Use synonyms
, like
Japan
Punctuation problem
Japan,
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 the
economy
Use synonyms
 will
cut
Verb problem
be cut
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 down
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 there may not be enough young
people
Use synonyms
 who will look after older citizens.
Also
Linking Words
, having a high
population
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 can create new ideas, leading to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
culture
Replace the word
cultural
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 diversity
making
Punctuation problem
, making
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 the
economy
Use synonyms
 more dynamic. In my opinion, a
grown
Correct word choice
growing
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population
Use synonyms
 might be good if it is controlled by
well
Correct word choice
good
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 policies. And the government
also
Linking Words
 plays a big role in the growth of the
Use synonyms
population
Punctuation problem
population,
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 they should invest in education, healthcare and greed-technology which will reduce the negative effect. Family planning and society's awareness can
also
Linking Words
 help keep growth at a sustainable level. In conclusion, a rapid increase in
population
Use synonyms
 can cause a serious problem for the environment and resources. It
also
Linking Words
 helps the
economy
Use synonyms
 to evolve. The best way to control it is to manage it carefully without harming the planet.

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grammar
Fix many grammar errors and misspells to be clear.
sentence structure
Use short, simple sentences to show ideas with less error.
organization
Make a clear plan before you write: intro, two body para, then conclusion.
content
Give more facts or data to prove points.
content
Shows both sides of the argument.
content
Uses an example of Japan to show lack of young people.
structure
Has a closing line that offers a way to fix the issue.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • rural-to-urban migration
  • population shift
  • positive impact
  • negative impact
  • urbanization
  • job opportunities
  • access to education
  • access to healthcare
  • urban infrastructure
  • rural traditions
  • cultural heritage
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