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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

The government should allocate more funds to the educational sector than health sector. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#government #funds #sector #health
The authority must spend more funds
in
Change preposition
on
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education
 facilities than
health
department
Fix the agreement mistake
departments
show examples
. In my opinion,
both
health
 and
education
 are important in every country.
However
, spending more money in one area than the other can be significantly dangerous.
Therefore
, I believe every country should monitor
their need
Fix the agreement mistake
its needs
show examples
 before making
the
Correct article usage
a
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 spending
plan
.
Firstly
, the government should have statistics about
both
health
 and
education
 before allocating more funds
in
Change preposition
to
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 one area than the other. Statistics will provide data
that is
 needed to calculate the income and the spending of
both
 departments.
Thus
, the government will be aware of which
department
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
 more money. Taking online shopping
for example
, the owners of the website spend more
in
Change preposition
on
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 designing rather than
speding
Correct your spelling
spending
 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
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advertising which eventually
led
Wrong verb form
leads
show examples
 them to failure, because of their lack of awareness of which area they need to improve.
Secondly
, after making the spending
plan
 the authority now
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 to monitor the two sectors for
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
 future.
Meaning
Wrong verb form
This means
show examples
 that the spending percentage of one sector may increase
due to
 future
need
Fix the agreement mistake
needs
show examples
 or any other factors. To illustrate, student numbers may increase in the next five years and the patients of hospitals will remain the same.
Hence
, the
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 must spend more
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
education
 because the number of students is increasing
while
 the number of patients
reamin
Correct your spelling
remains
 the same. As I see, monitoring
both
medical
Add an article
the medical
show examples
department
 and
academic
Add an article
the academic
show examples
department
 will not only benefit the
department
 itself but
also
 the economy of the country
due to
 financial management. In conclusion, I strongly disagree
of
Change preposition
with
show examples
 making more funds in
Correct article usage
the eduaction
show examples
eduaction
Correct your spelling
education
 sector than
health
Correct article usage
the health
show examples
 sector before making the spending
plan
.
Moreover
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 must collect statistics
of
Change preposition
from
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both
 sectors,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 will lead
for
Change preposition
to
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better
Add an article
a better
show examples
plan
.
Additionally
, authorities should always monitor their departments for
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
 future.
Submitted by ibrakh80 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that links back to the main argument.
task achievement
Provide more specific and relevant examples to support your arguments.
lexical resource
Expand your range of vocabulary and use more academic and formal language.
grammatical range
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar. Avoid repetitive sentence patterns.
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