IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

These days children are surrunded by electronic devices such as personal computers , tablet computers, and smart phones, and they learn to use them at a very early age. what are the advantages and disadvantages of this situation?

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It is certainly true that kids nowadays are contacting untimely with technological equipment.
While
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 accepting that , I believe that it is more likely to have harmful impacts . On the one hand , there are several benefits of using electronic devices from the beginning . A common advantage is that
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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youngsters can learn a variety of useful knowledge on the
internet
Capitalize word
Internet

The word internet should be capitalized in this context.

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. Technology is developing day by day so children
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 can absorb information and
understanding
Wrong verb form
understand

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb understanding. Consider changing it.

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from
Change preposition
apply

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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that .
For instance
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, young people are using online dictionaries to translate languages or research for investigation. Another positive aspect can be helping the minors relax after school . For a long day of study , students
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 need to have time for entertainment
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 as watching
Youtube
Correct your spelling
YouTube

The word Youtube doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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 or playing games .
On the other hand
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 , these benefits can be outweighed by the drawbacks. One obvious disadvantage is that it makes children dependent and addicted to electronics.
For example
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, when
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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kids
are touching
Wrong verb form
touch

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb are touching. Consider changing it.

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 smartphones too early,
it
Correct pronoun usage
they

It seems that there is a pronoun problem here.

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 will form the habit of using
it
Correct pronoun usage
them

It seems that there is a pronoun problem here.

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 regularly and becoming indispensable. Another negative effect is that the young generation receives bad sources of information, not suitable for their age. Because social networks are freedom , no one can control
it
Correct pronoun usage
them

It seems that there is a pronoun problem here.

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 so the minority can easily obtain
wrong
Correct article usage
the wrong

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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 things .
In addition
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, sometimes children will be affected by these dangerous situations
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 as being taken advantage of by strangers and learning worse habits. In conclusion, it seems to me that
potential
Correct article usage
the potential

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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 dangers of using technology devices from a young age are more harmful than possible benefits.

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task response
Make sure to directly address all aspects of the topic. In this essay, you have discussed both the advantages and disadvantages of children using electronic devices, which is good. However, try to develop your points further and provide more specific examples or evidence to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear structure in your essay, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, try to make stronger connections between your ideas and provide more transitions to enhance the flow of your writing.
lexical resource
Your use of vocabulary is generally appropriate and varied. However, try to include more advanced vocabulary and academic phrases to further demonstrate your language proficiency.
grammatical range
Your grammar is generally accurate, but there are some minor mistakes in sentence structure and word choice. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and word form. Additionally, try to vary your sentence structures to make your writing more dynamic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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