IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

These days children are surrunded by electronic devices such as personal computers , tablet computers, and smart phones, and they learn to use them at a very early age. what are the advantages and disadvantages of this situation?

#children #devices #computers #tablet #phones #age #situation
It is certainly true that kids nowadays are contacting untimely with technological equipment.
While
 accepting that , I believe that it is more likely to have harmful impacts . On the one hand , there are several benefits of using electronic devices from the beginning . A common advantage is that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
youngsters can learn a variety of useful knowledge on the
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
. Technology is developing day by day so children
also
 can absorb information and
understanding
Wrong verb form
understand
show examples
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that .
For instance
, young people are using online dictionaries to translate languages or research for investigation. Another positive aspect can be helping the minors relax after school . For a long day of study , students
also
 need to have time for entertainment
such
 as watching
Youtube
Correct your spelling
YouTube
show examples
 or playing games .
On the other hand
 , these benefits can be outweighed by the drawbacks. One obvious disadvantage is that it makes children dependent and addicted to electronics.
For example
, when
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
kids
are touching
Wrong verb form
touch
show examples
 smartphones too early,
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 will form the habit of using
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 regularly and becoming indispensable. Another negative effect is that the young generation receives bad sources of information, not suitable for their age. Because social networks are freedom , no one can control
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 so the minority can easily obtain
wrong
Correct article usage
the wrong
show examples
 things .
In addition
, sometimes children will be affected by these dangerous situations
such
 as being taken advantage of by strangers and learning worse habits. In conclusion, it seems to me that
potential
Correct article usage
the potential
show examples
 dangers of using technology devices from a young age are more harmful than possible benefits.
Submitted by yeshomeclass on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make sure to directly address all aspects of the topic. In this essay, you have discussed both the advantages and disadvantages of children using electronic devices, which is good. However, try to develop your points further and provide more specific examples or evidence to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear structure in your essay, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, try to make stronger connections between your ideas and provide more transitions to enhance the flow of your writing.
lexical resource
Your use of vocabulary is generally appropriate and varied. However, try to include more advanced vocabulary and academic phrases to further demonstrate your language proficiency.
grammatical range
Your grammar is generally accurate, but there are some minor mistakes in sentence structure and word choice. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and word form. Additionally, try to vary your sentence structures to make your writing more dynamic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: