IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Children are now less active in their free time than in the past. Therefore, sports lessons must be compulsory in school. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#children #time #sports #lessons #school
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Nowadays, more people take care
Change preposition
of a
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a
Change preposition
of a
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lot
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 of their children. They said that children are now less active in their free
time
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 than in the past. More individuals think that the solution is
sports
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 lessons must be compulsory in school. In
this
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 essay, I will explain why I agree with
this
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 point of view and show all
reasons
Correct article usage
the reasons
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 for that.
Firstly
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, we need to know that physical education is the lesson
helps
Correct pronoun usage
that helps
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 us keep balance. On a normal day, we add calories to our body so much, that if we can't find a solution to burn it, we will be overweight.
Moreover
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, playing
sports
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help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
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 us have
nice
Correct word choice
good
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health
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, and to maintain a healthy lifestyle, we need to
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
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exercise more and more. But we don't have
time
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 to play
sports
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 or do exercise, so the
time
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 in school is a good
time
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 to learn it.
Therefore
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,
sports
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 lessons must be compulsory in school. Curently, physical education teaches us more and more than keep a nice
health
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. It teaches us how to discipline and work with others as a team. Teamwork is the important thing we need to learn when we
were
Wrong verb form
are
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a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
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children, playing
sports
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 which can play with a team can improve us a
lot
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 of teamwork.
Moreover
Linking Words
, if people are unfit, the government will have to spend a
lot
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 of money on medical care in the future. It is a waste of money and we need to solve it by doing more exercise to improve
a
Remove the article
apply
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nice
health
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. In my opinion, schools need to spend a
lot
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 of money on
sports
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 facilities to attract students who can find interest in
sports
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. If we can do it, more students will enjoy physical education
time
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. In conclusion, sport is an important lesson we need to learn to have a good lifestyle and
nice
Correct word choice
good
show examples
health
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 because
health
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 is so important when it has a problem, it is so hard to resolve it.
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task achievement
Ensure to address all parts of the task. While you mentioned agreement to the statement, it would strengthen your essay to also consider and rebut the counter-arguments.
task achievement
Work on expanding and fully developing your ideas. Clear and comprehensive responses are necessary for a higher band. Utilize multiple paragraphs to expand on each point.
task achievement
Use relevant examples to support your arguments. These examples should be specific and directly related to your points.
coherence cohesion
Organize your essay with a clear and logical structure. Use paragraphs effectively to separate your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Include an introduction and conclusion to frame your essay. Both should be present and clearly state your main arguments and summarizations, respectively.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each main point is supported with explanations or examples. Avoid unsubstantiated statements.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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