IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Older people often choose to spend money on themselves (e.g. on holidays) rather than save money for their children after retirement. Is this a positive or negative development?

When people become older many of them decide to live their full life without limits and
use
Use synonyms
 money for
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
show examples
 preference rather than give
them
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 to their kids. I think is a negative development when they decide to maintain their relatives with
saving
Replace the word
savings
show examples
, because older persons should spend cash for themselves,
however
Linking Words
, they are free to help their kids with everything they can save after retirement.
Firstly
Linking Words
, some people may think that parents are obligated to support them
financial
Change the adjective
financially
show examples
, even if they are old. Usually, because of their education, the thought about savings
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 them to relax and think that they can
use
Use synonyms
 them without problems.
As a consequence
Linking Words
, these negative situations isolate
elders
Change noun form
elders'
elder's
show examples
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 because they are not able to feel the freedom and choose what they want to do after retirement.
For example
Linking Words
, my uncle grew up with the idea that my grandfather
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
 support him all his being, but he just wanted to
use
Use synonyms
 his money because he was too lazy to find a job with a good salary.
As a result
Linking Words
, my grandfather gave him all his savings and was left with nothing.
Secondly
Linking Words
, sometimes it is good to
use
Use synonyms
parents
Change noun form
parents'
parent's
show examples
 savings if they let you, but in special cases. In general, children
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are in need should be helped by their mother and father, because everyone has different possibilities and
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
show examples
 pay for themselves sometimes.
For instance
Linking Words
, my grandparents after retirement used their cash to help my mother to
rise
Correct your spelling
raise
show examples
 three children. She did not have the possibility to pay for everything alone and was helped by them. In brief, it depends on
financial
Add an article
the financial
show examples
 situation and the
really
Change the adverb
real
show examples
 need
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 money. In conclusion, older society should spend wealth for their own happiness and not
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
use
Use synonyms
 it
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 supportive ways, but if they can
lead
Correct your spelling
lend
show examples
 a hand to their child
that is
Linking Words
 in a hard situation.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly state your opinion in the introduction, and outline the points you will discuss in the essay. This will help the reader understand your arguments better.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use a variety of linking words to improve the flow of your essay. This will help with the coherence and make it easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure your paragraphs have a clear topic sentence that directly relates to your arguments. This will strengthen the logical structure of your essay.
relevant specific examples
You provide a personal example which adds relevance to your argument and shows your understanding of the topic.
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