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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that the responsibility is with the government to control the rise in obesity in children, others think the parents are the cause. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #responsibility #government #control #rise #obesity #children #parents
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One
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 of the social concerns today relates to the rapid increase in obesity in
children
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.
While
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 it is widely believed that the
government
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 should be the
one
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 to offer assistance in controlling
this
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 issue, others believe that the
parents
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 are the cause of
this
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 problem. In my opinion, the authorities can help to promote educational activities for the
kids
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. It is the
parents
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 who should guide their
children
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 to have better choices for their health. On the
one
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 hand, it is argued that national leaders should play the most important role in regulating the rate of being overweight in
kids
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.
This
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 is because they are the
ones
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 with enough power and money to control the food supply in a country. What we put in our mouths has always played a pivotal role in affecting our health, and more specifically weight.
Thus
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, by limiting foods with negative externalities with the use of taxes and regulations, the
government
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 can promote a healthier diet by limiting the foods
kids
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 can have access to. An example of
this
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 is Japan, where the
government
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 enacts a 50% tax on junk food,
while
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subsequently
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 giving subsidies to local farmers. All of
this
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 has resulted in the country having
one
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 of the lowest rates of obesity in
children
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 in the world.
On the other hand
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, it is strongly believed by others that
parents
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 are the
ones
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 held accountable for their
children
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's alarming weight. People often have
this
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 opinion because
parents
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 should be the
ones
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 to directly intervene in
children
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's diets and educate them about making healthy food choices. As the
one
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 who spends the most time with the
children
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 every day,
parents
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 share an intimate relationship with their
children
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, which allows them to develop healthy habits, something the
government
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 can never replicate.
For example
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, research done by New York University has shown that
children
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 are more likely to listen to an adult they trust, which means mainly their
parents
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 who have the capability to help their
kids
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 improve their lifestyles. In conclusion, it is commonly thought that the national administrators hold the highest chance of making an impact regarding
children
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’s weight, others assume that it’s in fact
parents
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 that are the main cause for
this
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 increase in obesity in
kids
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. Personally, I believe that governments can only do so much to educate and restrict. As part of their parental duties,
parents
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 should be the
ones
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 to lead
children
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 on the right path regarding their dietary choices.
Submitted by yeshomeclass on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure each main body paragraph focuses on a single idea and expand upon it with more supporting details to enhance clarity and depth.
coherence cohesion
Work on synthesizing ideas and arguments more organically within paragraphs to improve the flow and overall coherence.
coherence cohesion
Integrate a broader range of complex sentence structures to enhance the sophistication of the essay.
task achievement
It is crucial to address all parts of the task more explicitly and develop a stronger personal position throughout the essay, rather than primarily in the conclusion.
task achievement
Enhance the complexity and precision of the ideas presented by exploring the nuances of the issue more thoroughly.
task achievement
Incorporate examples that are not only relevant but also varied in source and type to show a well-rounded understanding of the topic.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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