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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show what UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full-time work did after leaving college in 2008.

The charts below show what UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full-time work did after leaving college in 2008.
#show #uk #graduate #students #work #college
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The two bar charts illustrate the number of UK graduate and postgraduate
students
Use synonyms
 who avoided
to take
Change the verb form
taking
show examples
 full-time
work
Use synonyms
 after finishing university in 2008.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is clearly seen that both graduate and
post graduate
Add a hyphen
post-graduate
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 tended to go to
part time
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
work
Use synonyms
 and
continued
Wrong verb form
continue
show examples
 their
study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
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. Meanwhile, Voluntary
work
Use synonyms
 was the least destination to
work
Use synonyms
 in. Looking into details, the figure for undergraduate learners
went
Correct pronoun usage
who went
show examples
 to pursue their education, there
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 over
than
Change preposition
apply
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29
thousand
Use synonyms
 people. It was followed by part-time
work
Use synonyms
 with above 17
thousand
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, there were more than 16
thousand
Use synonyms
 of them who could not find jobs.
In contrast
Linking Words
, only under 3,500 decided to engage in volunteering activities.
Moreover
Linking Words
, for the postgraduate
students
Use synonyms
, both continuing study and taking
part time
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
 jobs were the popular destination, with approximately 28
thousand
Use synonyms
 and about 2,600 respectively.
Likewise
Linking Words
, over 1,600 of them
considered
Add a missing verb
are considered
show examples
 to be unemployed.
However
Linking Words
, volunteering was the least popular to
go
Correct your spelling
do
show examples
,
accounted
Wrong verb form
accounting
show examples
 for just 345
students
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by musa.nuwa on

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words students, work, thousand with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Graduate
  • Postgraduate
  • Full-time work
  • Further education
  • Part-time work
  • Unemployment
  • Volunteering
  • Traveling
  • Gap year
  • Career progression
  • Job market
  • Transition
  • Academic life
  • Professional sphere
  • Economic factors
  • Social factors
  • Financial crisis
  • Long-term impact
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