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Band 4.5

Some people say international sports events help world peace. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #sports #events #world #peace
There is an argument that
sports
events
 abroad most of the time support world peace. I partially agree with
such
 a point of view, because even though
this
 kind of attraction may motivate nations to start a peaceful relationship, it can be challenging to construct a healthy relationship between
countries
 in conflict only based on
sports
 feelings. On the one hand, these
events
 may spread the spirit of brotherhood and peace among the
countries
, because they can create a harmonious environment
,
Correct word choice
and, consequently
show examples
consequently
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
also
 able to start a talk between nations.
For example
, it is estimated that 80% of the
countries
 that have some problem in their relationship, started a dialogue right after international games.
On the other hand
, it is known that sometimes
countries
 in conflict take advantage of committing terrorist acts at international
sports
events
,
due to
 the fact that it has so many crowded places,
thus
 it can target many more people.
For instance
, it has been proved that in the USA hundreds of people got injured during the Olympic Games some years ago.
To conclude
, I do believe that
sports
events
 bring people the feeling of fraternity and peace, in spite of creating a cooperative mood and improving communication between nations in disagreement. Ideally, not only should
countries
 not think about terrorism, but
also
 put a target on citizen who mostly even do not know what is happening to their country.
Submitted by aracellyfontes on

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Task Response
Your introduction and conclusion are present, but your essay lacks clear and comprehensive ideas that directly respond to the topic. Make sure to address the specific points of the argument and maintain a clear line of reasoning throughout the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay shows some logical structure, but there are issues with the overall coherence and cohesion. Work on providing a clearer connection between your ideas and developing a more organized structure for your essay.
Lexical Resource
You demonstrate a reasonable range of vocabulary, but there are instances where you could use more precise and appropriate language to express your ideas. Try to use a wider variety of vocabulary and use academic language effectively.
Grammatical Range
Your essay contains several grammatical errors and lacks complexity in sentence structures. Focus on using a wider range of grammatical structures and pay attention to accurate sentence construction.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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