IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#governments #progress #people #country
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it is important to note that, progressing involves different aspects for
one
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country
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. Many may say, and I agree,
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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that each
one
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 of these aspects
count
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counts
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 equally.
For
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instance
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, progressing in
economy
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, culture,
education
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, happiness and so much more.
However
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, many governments believe that
Use synonyms
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
show examples
 is the most important
aspect
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at
Change preposition
of
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 all. The reason that many governments think that way is probably because of the large effects that
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economy
Correct article usage
the economy
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 can
make
Verb problem
have
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 on
one
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country
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.
That is
Linking Words
, not only can
weak
Correct article usage
a weak
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economy
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 put
one
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country
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in
Change preposition
at
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 a high risk of increasing inflation, but
also
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 the ability
of buying
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to buy
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 will decrease.
Besides
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, should the importance of economic
progress
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 apes under question, governments have to deal with other
countries
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countries'
country's
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condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
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.
This
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 will put
one
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country
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in
Change preposition
apply
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a risk of war if it does not accept what other countries desire.
However
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, just paying attention
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
one
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aspect
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 of
progressing
Correct article usage
the progressing
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named
Verb problem
apply
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economy
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 cannot be enough.
For
Linking Words
instance
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,
education
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 is a challenging
aspect
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 of
progress
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 that needs to be taken care of. Needless to say, only when we have a development
education
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, will there be many experts in different subjects including
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economy
Add an article
the economy
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.
Therefore
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, the improvement of
education
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 can be a reason
of
Change preposition
for
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 economic
progress
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.
For
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instance
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, the lack of children's training because of
weak
Add an article
a weak
the weak
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education
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 system can be the cause of murder being increased which
also
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 affects the
economy
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.
Additionally
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, I believe that developing
on
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apply
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any
aspect
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 of
progress
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 can be a cause of economic improvement
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at
Change preposition
in
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 the end.
Thus
Linking Words
, just focusing on
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economy
Add an article
the economy
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 can make
one
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country
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 regress, for they have nothing except
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economy
Correct article usage
the economy
show examples
.
For
Linking Words
instance
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, China has
one
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 of the most successful
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economy
Change to a plural noun
economies
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 in the world, but the amount of its
people
Change noun form
people's
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 happiness is so low.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the only thing that
its
Change the word
the
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 government pay attention to is
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economy
Correct article usage
the economy
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, so long working hours do not
let
Verb problem
make
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 people
to
Change the verb form
apply
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be happy.
As a result
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,
although
Linking Words
 it is good to have a developed
economy
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, we should consider other
progress
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 too.
This
Linking Words
 is probably how we can have a wonderful society.
Submitted by hanarad41 on

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task response
Task Response: The essay discusses both views and provides a personal opinion. However, the opinion lacks depth and clarity. Make sure to clearly state and support your opinion to meet the task requirements.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The logical structure and introduction/conclusion are clear, but the essay lacks consistent support for the main points. Develop each main point with appropriate examples and explanations to improve cohesion and coherence.
lexical resource
Lexical Resource: The essay demonstrates adequate use of vocabulary and some collocations. However, there is a need for a wider range of vocabulary to express ideas more precisely and effectively. Try to use a variety of vocabulary related to the topic.
grammatical range
Grammatical Range: The essay shows a mix of simple and complex structures. However, there are issues with sentence structure and punctuation. Work on using complex structures and ensuring accurate punctuation to enhance grammatical range.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • standard of living
  • sustainable development
  • social equality
  • environmental degradation
  • cultural heritage
  • technological innovation
  • wealth disparity
  • human development index
  • holistic approach
  • quality of life
  • economic prosperity
  • healthcare system
  • education system
  • cultural diversity
  • policy decisions
What to do next:
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