IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message? Give reason for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge or experience.

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Some
parents
Use synonyms
 in some cultures usually give their
children
Use synonyms
 the
advice
Use synonyms
 that they can achieve anything as long as they work hard at it.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the
children
Use synonyms
 can take the advantages from that
message
Use synonyms
 and the disadvantages in the same time.
Body paragraph 1
The advantages that
children
Use synonyms
 can get from
this
Linking Words
advice
Use synonyms
 are:
Body paragraph 2
First,
Linking Words
they will give their best at any tasks that they receive because they feel getting supports from their beloved
parents
Use synonyms
.
Such
Linking Words
 as, when they think the math is difficult and their mother says that they can get A+ when they study hard it will persuade them to study more than usual.
Body paragraph 3
Second,
Linking Words
the
advice
Use synonyms
 is like persuasive order to their brains to do more. In example, the
children
Use synonyms
 really want to be the doctor and the
parents
Use synonyms
 give them the
message
Use synonyms
, they will really feel comfortable with it and try the best than they have done before.
Body paragraph 4
But, the
message
Use synonyms
 is like double edge sword
also
Linking Words
 give the
children
Use synonyms
 the disadvantages, which are:
Body paragraph 5
First,
Linking Words
the
children
Use synonyms
 do not realize their real capabilities.
Such
Linking Words
 as the
children
Use synonyms
 with no capabilty in painting at all and their
parents
Use synonyms
 force them with the
advice
Use synonyms
, how is the end? The
children
Use synonyms
 will fail at it.
Conclusion
Second,
Linking Words
sometimes
this
Linking Words
 kind of
message
Use synonyms
 will forces the
children
Use synonyms
 to do some tasks that they do not like. Nowadays we can see an example, that many
parents
Use synonyms
 in the world suggest their
children
Use synonyms
 to be someone whom the
children
Use synonyms
 do not like.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay does not fully address all aspects of the task and lacks clarity in presenting comprehensive ideas. It is important to fully explore both advantages and disadvantages with clear examples.
coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear and logical structure, with ideas presented in a disorganized manner. Improve coherence by organizing the essay into clear paragraphs with strong topic sentences and supporting details.
lexical resource
The essay contains repetitive and ineffective word choices. Expand the range of vocabulary by using synonyms and varying sentence structures to enhance lexical resource.
grammatical range
There are numerous grammatical errors throughout the essay. Precision and complexity of grammatical structures need improvement. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, tenses, and sentence construction.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: