IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message? Give reason for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

#cultures #children #message #reason
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Some
parents
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 in some cultures usually give their
children
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 the
advice
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 that they can achieve anything as long as they work hard at it.
Furthermore
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, the
children
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 can take the advantages from that
message
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 and the disadvantages in the same time. The advantages that
children
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 can get from
this
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advice
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 are:
First,
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they will give their best at any tasks that they receive because they feel getting supports from their beloved
parents
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.
Such
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 as, when they think the math is difficult and their mother says that they can get A+ when they study hard it will persuade them to study more than usual.
Second,
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the
advice
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 is like persuasive order to their brains to do more. In example, the
children
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 really want to be the doctor and the
parents
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 give them the
message
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, they will really feel comfortable with it and try the best than they have done before. But, the
message
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 is like double edge sword
also
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 give the
children
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 the disadvantages, which are:
First,
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the
children
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 do not realize their real capabilities.
Such
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 as the
children
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 with no capabilty in painting at all and their
parents
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 force them with the
advice
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, how is the end? The
children
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 will fail at it.
Second,
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sometimes
this
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 kind of
message
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 will forces the
children
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 to do some tasks that they do not like. Nowadays we can see an example, that many
parents
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 in the world suggest their
children
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 to be someone whom the
children
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 do not like.
Submitted by nurfaqihmuh on

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task response
The essay does not fully address all aspects of the task and lacks clarity in presenting comprehensive ideas. It is important to fully explore both advantages and disadvantages with clear examples.
coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear and logical structure, with ideas presented in a disorganized manner. Improve coherence by organizing the essay into clear paragraphs with strong topic sentences and supporting details.
lexical resource
The essay contains repetitive and ineffective word choices. Expand the range of vocabulary by using synonyms and varying sentence structures to enhance lexical resource.
grammatical range
There are numerous grammatical errors throughout the essay. Precision and complexity of grammatical structures need improvement. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, tenses, and sentence construction.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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