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Band 5.5

Doctors, nurses, and teachers make a great contribution to society and should be paid more than entertainment and sports celebrities. Do you agree or disagree?

#doctors #nurses #teachers #contribution #society #entertainment #sports #celebrities
Nowadays famous people in the sports and
entertainment
 industry are earning way more money than
teachers
 and employees from our health system.
This
 essay will argue why
this
 trend is not fair.
Firstly
,
doctors
 and nurses play a more important role in society. They are the ones responsible for people’s well-being.
For example
, when feeling unwell patients look for
doctors
 to help deal with their life issues, and the nurses are there to help them caring for us.
Thus
, we would not be able to live without them.
Secondly
,
doctors
 give a sense of security to local communities, people feel safe seeing a doctor who is trusted.
For instance
,
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 long distances can be an issue for elderly people,
this
 could cause stress for them if their local
doctors
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 not present.
Moreover
,
teachers
 are the foundation of society. Everyone needed a teacher to become the professionals they are nowadays.
That is
 to say that even our doctor needed someone to show them how to do their job.
For example
, to be a doctor you one’s must study very hard and learn everything about humans, and
this
 is only possible if someone who already knows the subject to explain it.
Therefore
, it is extremely important to prioritize
teachers
 over the
entertainment
 industry.
To conclude
,
entertainment
 and sports celebrities should not have higher payments than
doctors
, nurses, and
teachers
, as they play a more vital role in communities. In my opinion, society should start not paying so much for
entertainment
 and sport.
Submitted by leandro-vs- on

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task response
Ensure that the essay clearly addresses all points of the prompt, provides relevant examples, and presents a well-supported argument with clear reasoning.
coherence and cohesion
The logical structure is clear, with a proper introduction and conclusion. However, paragraphs could be more effectively linked to improve overall cohesion.
lexical resource
The essay demonstrates a good use of vocabulary, but there is room for improvement in using a wider variety of sophisticated terms and expressions.
grammatical range
The essay shows a range of grammatical structures. However, more complex sentence structures and a wider variety of grammar patterns could be used to enhance the overall quality of writing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • contribution
  • essential services
  • long hours
  • stressful
  • well-being
  • development
  • entertain
  • inspire
  • exorbitant salaries
  • unfair
  • talented individuals
  • professions
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