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Band 4

It is believed that children from countries with a high level of unemployment should be offered just with a primary education and should not be offered with a secondary education as anyway they will not get a job in the future. Do you agree or disagree with the statement?

#children #countries #level #unemployment #education #job #future
There
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 been
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
certain debates in less
economic
Change the adjective
economically
show examples
 developed countries with
high
Add an article
a high
the high
show examples
 rate of unemployment on the issue of
education
. Some people think that young people must be provided primary basic knowledge whilst others suggest they should not allow adult higher
education
. I completely disagree with
this
 argument. First and foremost,
primary
Correct article usage
the primary
show examples
 basic level is not a qualification to be in the world of paid work. Nowadays , the employment sectors require a qualified employer to have a course, bachelor's degree or master's degree. Take
for
Add the comma(s)
, for
show examples
 example, doctors , lawyers,
accountants
Correct word choice
and accountants
show examples
 these professions demand high educational levels with distinction to get a
well paying
Add a hyphen
well-paying
show examples
 job. So if youngsters remained at elementary school, they
are
Wrong verb form
would be
show examples
 able to read and write only but they lack knowledge
on
Change preposition
of
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 any type of work because these young ones have never learnt about it. I believe
further
education
 should be recommended because it
enlighten
Change the verb form
enlightens
show examples
 young people to have a direction of what they want to achieve in life. There is no way you can go without
education
.
In addition
,
education
eradicate
Change the verb form
eradicates
show examples
 joblessness in poor countries. Children should be given primary
education
 and
then
 high school
education
 equally. They should experience university life and enter into the workforce to gain capacity building and training during apprenticeship or internship.
Hence
 improving their skills and empowering them to reduce poverty. I think young ones must be provided
all
Add the preposition
with all
show examples
 levels of
education
such
 that they can be able to learn and concentrate
into
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their jobs
thus
 decreasing unemployment. In conclusion, job qualification is a must for a child to have through
further
 studies and
also
Rephrase
apply
show examples
education
 can uproot poverty and
unemplyment
Correct your spelling
unemployment
.
Submitted by ymhariwa on

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task response
The essay adequately addresses the task and presents clear and comprehensive ideas. However, the introduction and conclusion could be further developed to provide a more well-rounded structure.
coherence and cohesion
The essay demonstrates a logical structure overall, with clear and relevant supporting points. However, there is room for improvement in developing a more cohesive and coherent connection between ideas.
lexical resource
The essay shows a good range of vocabulary and language use, effectively communicating the ideas. However, there is a need for more sophisticated and diverse vocabulary to enhance the lexical resource.
grammatical range
The essay displays a strong command of grammar and sentence structure, effectively conveying the ideas. However, to achieve a higher score, more variety and complexity in sentence structures can be incorporated.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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