IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Education in financial management should be a mandatory component of the school program. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Schools should have financial management as a compulsory subject
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their curriculum.
This
Linking Words
 essay strongly believes in
this
Linking Words
 idea because it is to prepare young ones to be mindful about
money
Use synonyms
 and they can create financial plans for their life. Giving basic financial management knowledge to
students
Use synonyms
 is an important measure that should be taken by schools in order to prepare their pupils to be mindful
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
money
Use synonyms
. Children are given pocket
money
Use synonyms
 from their parents and some of them are spending it lavishly on unimportant things. They should be taught how to carefully manage
this
Linking Words
money
Use synonyms
 and the power
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 investment in order to gain more benefits.
For example
Linking Words
,
students
Use synonyms
 can save their remaining pocket
money
Use synonyms
,
put
Correct word choice
and put
show examples
 it in an investment instrument to support their studies or hobbies,
such
Linking Words
 as buying a
high performing
Add a hyphen
high-performing
show examples
 laptop to support
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 programming hobby.
In addition
Linking Words
, having
knowledge
Change the article
the knowledge
show examples
 to manage
money
Use synonyms
 will benefit
students
Use synonyms
to plan
Change preposition
in planning
show examples
 their future dreams. Many adults encounter difficulties buying a new house because they are late to develop saving habits and have
poor
Add an article
a poor
show examples
 understanding of how to manage their
money
Use synonyms
. When
this
Linking Words
 skill is introduced earlier in school, they would be more prepared since younger and change their lifestyle
thus
Linking Words
 they are closer to
buying
Verb problem
achieving
show examples
 their dreams.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, some people are dreaming of earlier financial freedom,
thus
Linking Words
 they should possess advanced knowledge to plan their retirement funds and learning the fundamentals from
teenage
Correct article usage
a teenage
show examples
 age will be beneficial.
For instance
Linking Words
, in some schools in Surabaya,
students
Use synonyms
 are joining a monthly savings program. In conclusion, financial education should be a mandatory subject in school, and
this
Linking Words
 idea should be viewed as a positive conduct because it prepares children to be careful about their spending and promotes saving habits to fund their dreams.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that you develop each paragraph thoroughly with a clear central topic and supporting sentences that expand on that point. In the current essay, while the central topics are identifiable, the development and depth of examples could be more thorough to strengthen the argument and clarity.
coherence cohesion
Logical connectors and transition words should be used more effectively to enhance the flow of ideas. The essay would benefit from varied and accurate usage of cohesive devices.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and do provide a basic framework for the essay; however, they could be more impactful by directly addressing the prompt's statement and providing a more nuanced thesis statement in the introduction, along with a more comprehensive summary of the main points in the conclusion.
task achievement
The argument is relevant to the task, but it would benefit from a more balanced consideration of both sides of the argument. Provide a measured analysis that considers alternative viewpoints, which would lead to a more complete and complex response to the task.
task achievement
The ideas presented are clear, but they require a more comprehensive development. Go beyond stating the benefit and show a deeper understanding of the implications and practical application of financial management within the school curriculum.
task achievement
The inclusion of examples is good, but the specificity could be improved. Ensure that the examples provided are directly relevant and contribute to illustrating the point more vividly. Real-world statistics, studies, or more detailed hypothetical situations could enhance the persuasiveness of the essay.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: