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Writing Samples
Band 5

Education in financial management should be a mandatory component of the school program. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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Schools should have financial management as a compulsory subject
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their curriculum.
This
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 essay strongly believes in
this
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 idea because it is to prepare young ones to be mindful about
money
Use synonyms
 and they can create financial plans for their life. Giving basic financial management knowledge to
students
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 is an important measure that should be taken by schools in order to prepare their pupils to be mindful
about
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of
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money
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. Children are given pocket
money
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 from their parents and some of them are spending it lavishly on unimportant things. They should be taught how to carefully manage
this
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money
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 and the power
in
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of
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 investment in order to gain more benefits.
For example
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,
students
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 can save their remaining pocket
money
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,
put
Correct word choice
and put
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 it in an investment instrument to support their studies or hobbies,
such
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 as buying a
high performing
Add a hyphen
high-performing
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 laptop to support
the
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their
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 programming hobby.
In addition
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, having
knowledge
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the knowledge
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 to manage
money
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 will benefit
students
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to plan
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in planning
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 their future dreams. Many adults encounter difficulties buying a new house because they are late to develop saving habits and have
poor
Add an article
a poor
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 understanding of how to manage their
money
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. When
this
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 skill is introduced earlier in school, they would be more prepared since younger and change their lifestyle
thus
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 they are closer to
buying
Verb problem
achieving
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 their dreams.
Furthermore
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, some people are dreaming of earlier financial freedom,
thus
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 they should possess advanced knowledge to plan their retirement funds and learning the fundamentals from
teenage
Correct article usage
a teenage
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 age will be beneficial.
For instance
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, in some schools in Surabaya,
students
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 are joining a monthly savings program. In conclusion, financial education should be a mandatory subject in school, and
this
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 idea should be viewed as a positive conduct because it prepares children to be careful about their spending and promotes saving habits to fund their dreams.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that you develop each paragraph thoroughly with a clear central topic and supporting sentences that expand on that point. In the current essay, while the central topics are identifiable, the development and depth of examples could be more thorough to strengthen the argument and clarity.
coherence cohesion
Logical connectors and transition words should be used more effectively to enhance the flow of ideas. The essay would benefit from varied and accurate usage of cohesive devices.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and do provide a basic framework for the essay; however, they could be more impactful by directly addressing the prompt's statement and providing a more nuanced thesis statement in the introduction, along with a more comprehensive summary of the main points in the conclusion.
task achievement
The argument is relevant to the task, but it would benefit from a more balanced consideration of both sides of the argument. Provide a measured analysis that considers alternative viewpoints, which would lead to a more complete and complex response to the task.
task achievement
The ideas presented are clear, but they require a more comprehensive development. Go beyond stating the benefit and show a deeper understanding of the implications and practical application of financial management within the school curriculum.
task achievement
The inclusion of examples is good, but the specificity could be improved. Ensure that the examples provided are directly relevant and contribute to illustrating the point more vividly. Real-world statistics, studies, or more detailed hypothetical situations could enhance the persuasiveness of the essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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