IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 2.5

What do you think of advertising  which targets children?

#targets #children
Due to
 the competitive market all over the world, businesses emphasize
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
advertising their products and some of them target
children
 for
this
 purpose.
overall
, I am completely against  the statement and
this
 essay will investigate it
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 presenting some reasons. First of all,
children
 are unable to differentiate what is beneficial or harmful for them.
therefore
, they are not expected to be an appropriate audience for commercials since making a decision about purchasing a product requires enough maturity which is not feasible in childhood.normally,
children
 are attracted by
colorful
Change the spelling
colourful
show examples
 and picturesque  advertising posters and videos without considering the quality or usability of that product so their choices would not be reliable enough.
Furthermore
, little
children
 have not learnt that owing those items needs to pay money
as a result
 they will pester their parents to provide those for them instantly.
For instance
, a child has no idea how much a bicycle costs so as he/she faces
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a flood of publicity about having a bike, will ask
it
Change preposition
about it
show examples
 from their parents and
this
 may result in making
troubles
Fix the agreement mistake
trouble
show examples
 for families. Because buying it is not
approachable
Correct word choice
accessible
show examples
 for everyone and some parents are not able to afford it.
to conclude
, I totally disagree with targeting
children
 in commercials owing to some reasons
such
 as immaturity in choosing beneficial items and unknowing that
purchase
Wrong verb form
purchasing
show examples
 a product will cost money.
Submitted by s.hemmati.p on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, but they lack depth and connection to the main points within the essay. Ensure that you clearly state your position in the introduction and summarize your main points in the conclusion.
task achievement
Your essay does not fully address the task. Make sure to completely respond to the prompt and provide comprehensive ideas with relevant examples to support your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: