IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many young people do not spend their holidays and weekends doing outdoor activities like hiking and climbing in natural environments. Why is this the case? How can they be encouraged to go out?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays,
people
Use synonyms
 do not spend their free time doing recreation like hiking and climbing in nature. The primary reason for
this
Linking Words
 is that
technology
Use synonyms
 is developing so that outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
 are getting more expensive, but the government can take some measures in order to encourage young
people
Use synonyms
 to spend their holidays and weekends doing outdoor diversions. In contemporary society,
technology
Use synonyms
 is increasing day by day, and everyone is almost addicted to their smartphones, so many youngsters prefer to spend their holidays at home by watching films, playing games, and others.
Moreover
Linking Words
, as
technology
Use synonyms
 rises, recreational
activities
Use synonyms
 become more modern and well-equipped, so the price for them
also
Linking Words
 increases, but not everyone can afford
such
Linking Words
 an expensive holiday, so they choose to stay at home.
For example
Linking Words
, research in Australia shows that outdoor activity prices
get
Verb problem
go
show examples
 up by almost 20 per cent as newly developed equipment requires more energy
as well as
Linking Words
 more money, so
people
Use synonyms
 attending outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
 reduced by almost 35 per cent as they just spent their time at home playing with telephones.
Thus
Linking Words
, as
technology
Use synonyms
 increases, fewer and fewer
people
Use synonyms
 are going there because they want to save money. The government can make
rules
Use synonyms
 against raising the price of outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
 so more
people
Use synonyms
 will go there and enjoy their diversion without worrying about money. By enforcing these
rules
Use synonyms
 strictly, they can achieve some goals.
In addition
Linking Words
, facilities can offer deals, like if
people
Use synonyms
 go hiking twice, the third can be for free.
For instance
Linking Words
, New Zealand in 2021 had
rules
Use synonyms
 against raising the price of outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
, and they offered some deals, so the number of
people
Use synonyms
 going there increased significantly. By setting clear
rules
Use synonyms
 and deals, we can encourage
people
Use synonyms
 to spend their weekends doing outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
people
Use synonyms
 really enjoy spending their time hiking and climbing, but the high fence is stopping them from going there. But with strong regulations and enforcement,we can increase the number of
people
Use synonyms
 going there.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Try to elaborate more on points made, using detailed and varied evidence and examples. This will make your argument more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea to maintain clarity and avoid confusion. Transition smoothly between points.
coherence cohesion
Improve sentence structure and avoid repetition to make the essay more fluently readable. Employ a wider range of linking words and phrases.
task achievement
The essay topic is clearly addressed in the introduction, and a reasonable conclusion is made.
coherence cohesion
There is a coherent structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
Relevant examples are provided to support the main points.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • digital entertainment
  • urbanization
  • peer influence
  • natural environments
  • engage in outdoor activities
  • lack of awareness
  • safety concerns
  • convenient
  • remote areas
  • benefits
  • unfamiliar areas
What to do next:
Look at other essays: