IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think that the only purpose of working hard is to earn money. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge.

#people #purpose #money
Money
 considered the main purpose of working hard is a hot topic which has grabbed a great deal of attention in recent times.And I completely disagree and
this
 essay will elaborate my views by supporting relevant ideas and examples.
It is clear that
 devoting the job for just
money
 is sensible for some reasons. Financial preferences set up by some potential forces make
people
 earn as much as possible. Meanwhile, their funds can help them to spend their time for meaningful distributions on their entertainment.
For instance
, they have the opportunity to travel abroad or buy luxury items as they wish.
On the other hand
, it is ridiculous that the basic reason for hard work is
money
. There are some unrefusing demands for the hardworking appeals.
Firstly
, some
people
 see themselves in just workplace as immediate and urgent helpful
people
.
For instance
, some scientists devote their whole lives to discoveries that can be vital factors in mitigating global and social problems like global warming, and some dangerous diseases with high death rates.
Secondly
, some
people
 consider their job as a sense of escapism that they try to avoid their rushed and tedious life. Working from day till night may be the best way to pass their time sensibly and amazingly.
To sum up
,
although
money
 seems the sole cause for hard work, there are unrejecting reasons for attaching job places where they can play a vital role in spending their time meaningfully.
Submitted by nazirovmuhammad71 on

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Task Achievement
The essay does not fully address the prompt and lacks a clear central argument. It should clearly state the extent to which the writer agrees or disagrees with the statement. The introduction and conclusion should directly address the topic.
Coherence & Cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is generally clear, but there are some instances of unclear or illogical progression of ideas. The essay lacks a strong and consistent central argument. The introduction and conclusion need improvement to better frame the essay and present a clear viewpoint.
Lexical Resource
The essay demonstrates some variety in the use of cohesive devices, but there is a need for more consistent and sophisticated use. Additionally, there is a lack of precision and accuracy in vocabulary usage, which affects the overall lexical resource.
Grammatical Range
The essay shows a limited range of vocabulary and a number of grammatical errors, resulting in imprecise and unclear expression at times. It would benefit from a greater variety of sentence structures and more accurate and precise word choice.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • intrinsic rewards
  • personal fulfillment
  • sense of purpose
  • contributing to society
  • practical aspect
  • personal growth
  • skills development
  • workaholism
  • work-life balance
  • innovation
  • financial gain
  • significantly
  • self-improvement
  • motivator
What to do next:
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