IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In many part of the world, women study science and technology but do not work in these fields. What measures can be taken to encourage women to work in science and technology?

#part #world #women #study #science #technology #work #fields #measures
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In the cutting-edge era, the majority of females choose
science
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 and
technology
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 majors in university but after graduation, they do not
work
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 in these fields.
This
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 essay will discuss the problems that lead to
women
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 choosing to
work
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 in different fields and propose a few solutions to tackle issues. Most
women
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 after studying
science
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 and
technology
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 interact to
work
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 in jobs which do not relate to
science
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. First of all, many job opportunities
such
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 as working as a manager dedicated to men especially scientific jobs or a job that
technology
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 play an important role on that position.
Secondly
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, most
companies
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 consider high salaries for males
instead
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 of people who have a lot of talent or intelligence
hence
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women
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 can not find any reasons to encourage them to
work
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 in these fields To encourage
women
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 to
work
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 in
science
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 and
technology
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, private and public
companies
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 must attention to
women
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 who have a lot of techniques and make a balance between both genders.
Furthermore
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, individuals must believe that
women
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 can get higher positions
as well as
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 men and help them to achieve their goals so
companies
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 should be hiring
women
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 and increasing
women
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's employment and
also
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 providing a friendly place for them.
In addition
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 in the
work
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 environment, men must be respected by their colleagues and avoid making differences between genders because
women
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 do not
work
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 in places that cause mental issues like anxiety and stress.
To sum up
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, discrimination between gender lead to the government and
companies
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 not paying attention to talented
women
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 so many
women
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 prefer just studying
science
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 and
technology
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.
Submitted by sh.sharifpour79 on

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task response
The essay addresses the topic but lacks depth and accurate use of examples. It would benefit from providing more specific and relevant examples to support the ideas.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is somewhat clear, although there are issues with the coherence and cohesion. The essay lacks suitable transition words and has issues with topic sentences and supporting ideas.
lexical resource
The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary and has inconsistencies in word choice. Using a wider range of vocabulary and more precise word choices will improve the lexical resource.
grammatical range
The essay has several grammatical errors and inaccuracies. It is important to work on improving grammatical accuracy to enhance clarity and coherence in the writing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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