IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

In many part of the world, women study science and technology but do not work in these fields. What measures can be taken to encourage women to work in science and technology?

#part #world #women #study #science #technology #work #fields #measures
In the cutting-edge era, the majority of females choose
science
 and
technology
 majors in university but after graduation, they do not
work
 in these fields.
This
 essay will discuss the problems that lead to
women
 choosing to
work
 in different fields and propose a few solutions to tackle issues. Most
women
 after studying
science
 and
technology
 interact to
work
 in jobs which do not relate to
science
. First of all, many job opportunities
such
 as working as a manager dedicated to men especially scientific jobs or a job that
technology
 play an important role on that position.
Secondly
, most
companies
 consider high salaries for males
instead
 of people who have a lot of talent or intelligence
hence
women
 can not find any reasons to encourage them to
work
 in these fields To encourage
women
 to
work
 in
science
 and
technology
, private and public
companies
 must attention to
women
 who have a lot of techniques and make a balance between both genders.
Furthermore
, individuals must believe that
women
 can get higher positions
as well as
 men and help them to achieve their goals so
companies
 should be hiring
women
 and increasing
women
's employment and
also
 providing a friendly place for them.
In addition
 in the
work
 environment, men must be respected by their colleagues and avoid making differences between genders because
women
 do not
work
 in places that cause mental issues like anxiety and stress.
To sum up
, discrimination between gender lead to the government and
companies
 not paying attention to talented
women
 so many
women
 prefer just studying
science
 and
technology
.
Submitted by sh.sharifpour79 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay addresses the topic but lacks depth and accurate use of examples. It would benefit from providing more specific and relevant examples to support the ideas.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is somewhat clear, although there are issues with the coherence and cohesion. The essay lacks suitable transition words and has issues with topic sentences and supporting ideas.
lexical resource
The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary and has inconsistencies in word choice. Using a wider range of vocabulary and more precise word choices will improve the lexical resource.
grammatical range
The essay has several grammatical errors and inaccuracies. It is important to work on improving grammatical accuracy to enhance clarity and coherence in the writing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: