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Band 4

Some children spend every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development.

#children #smartphones #case #development
Nowadays, the increase in
smarphone
Correct your spelling
smartphone
 usage experienced significant growth. As we can see, no children without
gadget
Fix the agreement mistake
gadgets
show examples
 in their hands. From my point of view, I strongly agree
with
Change preposition
that
show examples
this
 case turns to a negative term. In recent years, some people utilize
gadget
Fix the agreement mistake
gadgets
show examples
 for entertainment,
while
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 wield them for work,
however
, lately, parents are
frequent
Change the adjective
frequently
show examples
 equipped their
juvenile
Fix the agreement mistake
juveniles
show examples
 with
Add an article
a gadget
the gadget
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gadget
Fix the agreement mistake
gadgets
show examples
 in order to make them can focus
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their school and get a good
grade
Fix the agreement mistake
grades
show examples
 because parents might consider
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
facilitating their
child
 it will make them have a good spirit in
study
Add an article
the study
a study
show examples
 without knowing merits and demerits that would impact their
child
.
In addition
, the fact is
the
Correct your spelling
that
show examples
 most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children spend their time
to entertain
Change the verb form
entertaining
show examples
 themselves
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 playing video games
in
Change preposition
for
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 hours without any restrictions and
overlooked
Wrong verb form
overlook
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 their responsibility.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
 the other hand, cell phones have
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
show examples
 potential towards
child
 development, and some believe it could be the reason
some
Change preposition
for some
show examples
 damage in their growth period. Too much screen time make
child
Add an article
the child
a child
show examples
 have less movement in days, and they
able
Add a missing verb
are able
show examples
 to have reluctance
in interacting
Change preposition
to interact
show examples
 with others directly. Based on that, it will
make
Verb problem
cause
show examples
 some setbacks to their habit, and parents should be more mindful
toward
Change preposition
of
show examples
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
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 and disadvantages of giving access their
child
 to
smartphone
Add an article
a smartphone
the smartphone
show examples
, meanwhile, cell phones might be useful if the usage
fit
Wrong verb form
fits
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the necessity,
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the needs in
study
Add an article
a study
the study
show examples
 which make
child
 has
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
easy access to the Internet to make some ideas
while
do
Change the verb form
doing
show examples
 their homework. In conclusion, something that too much will turn into
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
badness. Children without any restrictions in accessing mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 potentially
impacting
Wrong verb form
impact
show examples
 their well-being.
Submitted by fatimanastitiniskala on

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Coherence and cohesion
The essay lacks a clear structure and organization. Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and supporting details.
Task Achievement
The essay does not fully address the topic and lacks a clear position. Ensure to clearly present both sides of the argument and provide a balanced opinion.
Lexical Resource
Expand your range of vocabulary and use more varied and precise lexical choices to express ideas more effectively.
Grammatical Range
There are several grammatical errors throughout the essay. Work on improving sentence structure and grammar usage.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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