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Band 5.5

When a country is already rich, any additional increase in economic wealth does not make its citizens happier. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#country #wealth #citizens
In recent times, it is usually believed that the additional economic edification would not increase its resident’s happiness. In my opinion, I partly agree with
this
 point of view. First and foremost,
people
 should recognize the fact that economic wealth is only a part of human satisfaction;
therefore
, it can only please
people
 to a certain extent. There is no denying that meeting enough dweller's economic needs resulting from the
wealth
Replace the word
wealthy
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 nation can cause a surplus of other properties is no longer desirable.
Furthermore
,
over
Change preposition
apply
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further
 justification which should no be neglected here is that the inhabitant’s happiness is not only based on financial growth but
also
relied
Wrong verb form
relies
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 on specific
own
Correct word choice
apply
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needs that the money cannot bring. A good case in point would be that
people
 who have a prolonged disease, always wish themselves would be healthy. On in other hand, there are some reasons against the statement that the extra growth in a nation's economy would not make its citizens happier. The top-notch concrete reason is that the financial growth brings out a lot of money that can tackle most of the problems namely the city’s infrastructure, the road system…leading to
people
 enjoying a better life quality. It is important to remember that the opportunity for advancing technology
due to
 the abundance of property can make
people
 easily access a variety of benefits in their lives.
For example
,
although
 the advancing technology applied to medicine cannot save resident’s lives, it can prolong their lifespan beyond their expectation. In conclusion, I partly support economic development in countries with abundant wealth that can still bring happiness to their dwellers.
However
, each of us should consider carefully before reaching the final decision on
this
 issue.
Submitted by domaianh.uliser on

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task response
The essay provides a partial response to the task question by presenting both agreement and disagreement. It could benefit from a clearer and more balanced opinion.
coherence and cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is somewhat clear, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the development of ideas and the use of cohesive devices could be improved for better coherence and cohesion.
lexical resource
The essay demonstrates a range of vocabulary and uses a mix of simple and complex language. However, there are instances of word choice and expression that could be refined for better lexical resource.
grammatical range
The essay exhibits a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. However, there are errors in sentence formation, tense usage, and subject-verb agreement that need attention for a more accurate grammatical range.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

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Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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