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Band 5

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #sense #competition #children #co-operate #adults
Today, one
group
 believes that
children
 should learn how to compete,
on the other
hand
Add the comma(s)
hand,
show examples
 another
group
 supports the idea that
instead
 of being competitive,
children
 should be taught how to work together which makes them more useful in their future lives. I completely agree with the second view.
First,
I am going to talk about the perspective of the first
group
.
Due to
 being in a competitive environment,
children
 try to do their best to complete their tasks, like studying, learning musical instruments
or
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
playing sports
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
etc…. They know all these efforts are encouraged by those around them, especially their families and teachers.
In addition
, these
children
 can experience failures and learn how to cope with them and overcome them. But,
this
 condition
also
 has negative effects on
children
such
 as difficulty making friends or feeling hatred towards others who are better than them.
According to
 the next view, cooperation allows
children
 to socialize more and learn many things from others that will help them in their future lives and careers. For
this
, their families or teachers can give them some responsibilities so that they consider themselves part of a
group
 which will have positive effects on their personalities.
Furthermore
, these
children
 learn how to be generous by offering their knowledge and selves experiences to others.
As a result
, they can make good friendships with their peers.
To sum up
, growing
in
Change preposition
up in
show examples
 a friendly and team-working atmosphere provides a better future for
children
. Having a peaceful life is the right of every child around the world.
Submitted by sahebe.jalali on

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Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion provide a good framework for the essay, but the logical structure of the main points needs improvement. The essay lacks a clear progression of ideas and coherence between paragraphs.
Task Achievement
The essay partially responds to the task by presenting both views, but the arguments and examples could be more developed and specific. More clarity and depth are needed to fully address the prompt.
Lexical Resource
The essay demonstrates a basic range of vocabulary and uses appropriate expressions. However, more varied and precise vocabulary could enhance the quality of the writing.
Grammatical Range
The essay displays a reasonable control of grammar and sentence structure, but there are instances of repetitive structures and minor errors in punctuation and word usage. Greater variety in sentence structure and more accurate language use would improve the overall quality of writing.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • encourage
  • compete
  • cooperate
  • useful
  • adults
  • skills
  • motivation
  • drive
  • resilience
  • failure
  • workplace
  • empathy
  • social skills
  • reduce
  • stress
  • pressure
  • balanced
  • approach
  • ideal
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