IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for government to impose a higher tax on this kind of food.

#countries #people #health #food #government #tax
Nowadays, the development of cities is becoming faster and faster, meanwhile,
people
 used to eat fast
food
 to higher their working efficiency as
people
 can finish their lunch within 15 minutes.
However
, fast
food
 is not good for human
health
 and it may cause several
health
 problems.
As a result
, the higher rax rating of the government is said.
This
 essay will show my point of view.
First,
imposing a higher
tax
 can reduce the frequency of
people
 buying fast
food
.
People
 are not willing to purchase any stuff
that is
 more expensive than they expected. After the higher
tax
 rating, the price of fast
food
 will be increased based on the original price.
People
 may tend to have other types of
food
 rather than spend non-suitable money to buy fast
food
.
Therefore
, imposing a higher
tax
 can reduce the frequency of
people
 buying fast
food
,
due
Correct word choice
and due
show examples
 to
this
 reason, the
health
 of
people
 will be improved.
On the other hand
, it can
also
 reduce the number of fast-
food
 shops. In order to run a
shop
, a large amount of capital should be used on the land
renting
Change the form of the verb
rent
show examples
, the cost of raw materials and the cost of hiring workers. Under the higher
tax
 on fast
food
, the
shop
 owner may not want to spend more extra money, so, they will not make the choice of opening a fast
food
shop
. It implies that
this
 policy can effectively reduce the number of
fast
Add a hyphen
fast-food
show examples
food
 shops.
Therefore
,
people
 may have fewer opportunities to find a fast
food
shop
 and have dining.
Due to
 the less of eating fast
food
, the
health
 of
people
 will
also
 be improved.
To sum up
,
although
people
 are hoping to have only short dining in their breaking time, and keep working, it is impossible that they can still work in a negative
health
 situation. There is nothing more important than
people
's
health
, imposing a higher
tax
 can help to solve the
health
 problem.
Therefore
, I strongly agree
on
Change preposition
with
show examples
this
 argument.
Submitted by asllchkied on

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task response
Ensure that the essay directly addresses the prompt and fully develops the arguments.
coherence and cohesion
The logical structure is somewhat effective, but there is room for improvement in the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.
lexical resource
The essay demonstrates a fairly good range of vocabulary and uses specific examples to support the points effectively.
grammatical range
The grammatical range is satisfactory, but there are some errors in sentence structure and word usage that could be addressed for a higher score.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Overconsumption
  • Chronic diseases
  • Obesity
  • Diabetes
  • Cardiovascular health
  • Sin tax
  • Subsidize
  • Affordability
  • Nutritional awareness
  • Paternalism
  • Socio-economic disparities
  • Industry lobbying
  • Public health initiatives
  • Consumer behavior
  • Regulatory measures
  • Health-conscious
  • Processed foods
  • Fiscal policy
  • Preventative healthcare
  • Behavioral economics
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