IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for government to impose a higher tax on this kind of food.

#countries #people #health #food #government #tax
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Nowadays, the development of cities is becoming faster and faster, meanwhile,
people
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 used to eat fast
food
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 to higher their working efficiency as
people
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 can finish their lunch within 15 minutes.
However
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, fast
food
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 is not good for human
health
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 and it may cause several
health
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 problems.
As a result
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, the higher rax rating of the government is said.
This
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 essay will show my point of view.
First,
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imposing a higher
tax
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 can reduce the frequency of
people
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 buying fast
food
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.
People
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 are not willing to purchase any stuff
that is
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 more expensive than they expected. After the higher
tax
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 rating, the price of fast
food
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 will be increased based on the original price.
People
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 may tend to have other types of
food
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 rather than spend non-suitable money to buy fast
food
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.
Therefore
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, imposing a higher
tax
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 can reduce the frequency of
people
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 buying fast
food
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,
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due
Correct word choice
and due
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 to
this
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 reason, the
health
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 of
people
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 will be improved.
On the other hand
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, it can
also
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 reduce the number of fast-
food
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 shops. In order to run a
shop
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, a large amount of capital should be used on the land
renting
Change the form of the verb
rent
show examples
, the cost of raw materials and the cost of hiring workers. Under the higher
tax
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 on fast
food
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, the
shop
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 owner may not want to spend more extra money, so, they will not make the choice of opening a fast
food
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shop
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. It implies that
this
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 policy can effectively reduce the number of
fast
Add a hyphen
fast-food
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food
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 shops.
Therefore
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,
people
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 may have fewer opportunities to find a fast
food
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shop
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 and have dining.
Due to
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 the less of eating fast
food
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, the
health
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 of
people
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 will
also
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 be improved.
To sum up
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,
although
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people
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 are hoping to have only short dining in their breaking time, and keep working, it is impossible that they can still work in a negative
health
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 situation. There is nothing more important than
people
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's
health
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, imposing a higher
tax
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 can help to solve the
health
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 problem.
Therefore
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, I strongly agree
on
Change preposition
with
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this
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 argument.
Submitted by asllchkied on

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task response
Ensure that the essay directly addresses the prompt and fully develops the arguments.
coherence and cohesion
The logical structure is somewhat effective, but there is room for improvement in the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.
lexical resource
The essay demonstrates a fairly good range of vocabulary and uses specific examples to support the points effectively.
grammatical range
The grammatical range is satisfactory, but there are some errors in sentence structure and word usage that could be addressed for a higher score.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Overconsumption
  • Chronic diseases
  • Obesity
  • Diabetes
  • Cardiovascular health
  • Sin tax
  • Subsidize
  • Affordability
  • Nutritional awareness
  • Paternalism
  • Socio-economic disparities
  • Industry lobbying
  • Public health initiatives
  • Consumer behavior
  • Regulatory measures
  • Health-conscious
  • Processed foods
  • Fiscal policy
  • Preventative healthcare
  • Behavioral economics
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