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Band 4

Young people spend too much money and time following fashion trends (clothing , tech.) What is the reason ? Is it a positive or negative development?

#people #money #time #fashion #trends #tech #reason #development
Nowadays, many teenagers spend a huge amount of money and time
to follow
Change the verb form
following
show examples
 the
trends
 in
fashion
such
 as clothing and technology. I believe there are two main reasons why
this
 phenomenon
happen
Change the verb form
happens
show examples
 and why
this
 leads to negative development. There are at least two reasons that drive young
people
 to spend much of their money to follow the
trends
.
First,
many teenagers nowadays are highly exposed to social media. They spend most of their time scrolling
to
Change preposition
through
show examples
an endless feeds
Correct the article-noun agreement
an endless feed
endless feeds
show examples
 and information on their gadget, which leads them to be exposed
by
Change preposition
to
show examples
 current
trends
 in society.
For instance
, many
people
 try to follow the
fashion
 trend of their
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
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 idols that they saw on the internet.
Second,
many brands of
fashion
 and technology have
a rapid changes
Correct the article-noun agreement
a rapid change
rapid changes
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
product
Fix the agreement mistake
products
show examples
 that they launched.
For instance
, fast
fashion
brand
Fix the agreement mistake
brands
show examples
 can launch numerous
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
fashion
 products in a year.
This
 will make many young
people
 want to buy all of the items so they will not be out of trend. Despite
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the advantages,
this
 phenomenon can lead to negative development.
First,
the rapid changes
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
trends
 will make young
people
 become more consumptive. They buy something not because they need that item, but because they just want to follow the
trends
.
This
 kind of lifestyle will
bring
Verb problem
have
show examples
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
 impact
to
Change preposition
on
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 them because they can not be mindful in terms of their consumption.
Second,
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
buying something out of the urge to follow the
trends
 makes
people
 tend to pile up their items and
this
 leads to the increasing amount of waste. In conclusion, young
people
 spend much of their time and money
to follow
Change the verb form
following
show examples
trends
 based on several reasons and
this
 phenomenon leads to a negative development. To prevent the negative impact,
people
 should buy something based on their needs, not based on the
trends
.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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task response
The essay shows an adequate understanding of the task and presents some relevant points. However, the response lacks depth and could benefit from more comprehensive ideas and analysis.
coherence and cohesion
The essay demonstrates a basic logical structure and includes an introduction and conclusion. However, there is a need for clearer development of main points and transitions between ideas.
lexical resource
The essay uses a range of vocabulary and expressions to convey ideas. However, there is a need for more precise and varied vocabulary to enhance the quality of the writing.
grammatical range
The essay displays a basic control of grammatical structures and sentence formation. However, there are frequent errors in sentence structure, verb tense, and word choice that affect the clarity and coherence of the writing.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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