IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many factured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It has been proven that
products
Use synonyms
 containing a lot of
sugar
Use synonyms
 catalyze numerous illnesses.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it is often contended that their prices should be made higher to prevent people from buying them. Personally, I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 idea. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will elaborate on its nature as an addictive and destructive matter for human beings
while
Linking Words
 at the same time is not a prominent nutrition, particularly for children which will serve as the justification to surge its fare. First and foremost, excessive consumption of
sugar
Use synonyms
 is dangerous but inevitable for folks who have been addicted to its sweetness. The undeniable health drawbacks from
such
Linking Words
 addiction include obesity, diabetes, and many other complex physical problems which often lead to mortality. One clear example in Indonesia is the death number of patients with diabetes is higher than the death toll caused by respiration illnesses produced by smoking habits.
Therefore
Linking Words
, leveraging the expense of sugary commodities which was applied previously towards cigarettes and other nicotine
products
Use synonyms
 is a serious attempt to lower the consumption of sugary
products
Use synonyms
 in wider society.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
sugar
Use synonyms
 is not paramount for human nutrition fulfilment , unlike animal-based protein which is significantly needed especially by children to prevent stunting.
For instance
Linking Words
, if families from lower economic backgrounds cannot afford
sugar
Use synonyms
-containing food frequently, there will be no harm
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 them.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, it will be more beneficial since the circumstances will make them choose healthier but less expensive alternatives
instead
Linking Words
 of sugary commodities.
Thus
Linking Words
, the designated fee jump
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 sweet
products
Use synonyms
 will not be at the expense of less fortunate communities.
To conclude
Linking Words
, there can be no doubt that leveraging the amount of sugary feed is an effective innovation to encourage people to lower their sweet intake through fractured food and beverages
due to
Linking Words
 its various health threats.
Sugar
Use synonyms
 has proven to be a dangerous material for an individual's physique and is not a significant part of human nutrition needs.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The essay does not fully address all aspects of the prompt. It should provide a balanced argument and consider counter-arguments.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion. Ideas are well-developed and supported.
lexical resource
The range of vocabulary is fairly good, but some expressions could be more precise. There is also some repetition of words and ideas.
grammatical range
The essay demonstrates a good command of complex structures and generally accurate use of grammar. However, there are some errors in sentence structure and word choice.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
What to do next:
Look at other essays: