IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, people have health problems because they choose to live in unhealthy ways. what do you think the reasons for this and how can it be solved?

#countries #people #health
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Health has always been a prime concern of every individual since time immemorial. In the contemporary era, most people have been living in an unhealthy way.
Therefore
, there are many reasons involved in
this
phenomena
Fix the agreement mistake
phenomenon
show examples
 and
this
 can be tackled in several ways. To commence with, there are enormous causative factors that comprise
this
 issue. First and foremost, since folks are living in a hectic schedule as
workeloads
Correct your spelling
workloads
 in jobs and educational areas, they do not have enough time to prepare food in their home. To elucidate it, a recent study depicts that massive of society is eating nourishment at hotels or restaurants etc.
This
 data points out that individuals tend to go to restaurants to save their tight schedules.
Therefore
, they may
be
Verb problem
have
show examples
 a chance to catch-
up
Change preposition
apply
show examples
health-related diseases like
diabetics
Replace the word
diabetes
show examples
, obesity, and cardiological diseases as well.
In addition
, the lifestyle has been altered by day-to-day
while
 the people who do not do exercise
such
Change preposition
as
show examples
walking, running and others.
For instance
, the majority of folks have
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
show examples
 transportation facilities like cars and bikes.
This
 example shows that they do not want to walk to another place for their needs.
This
 is the reason that would cause another impairment. Despite having these issues, we can mitigate them in several ways. One of the prominent solutions is that people should exercise their bodies regularly.
This
 can help to reduce their lifestyle diseases
such
 as obesity, sugar, and pressure.
For example
, many institutions provide yoga classes.
As a result
,
this
 would tackle
this
 problem drastically. To recapitulate, the wholesome problem is an undeniable serious issue in our society. There are many
femidile
Correct your spelling
female
 factors that encompass it
such
 as a hectic schedule, and less importance to doing regular exercise.
However
, we can solve
this
 very easily. As far as l am concerned, a better lifestyle creates good living.
Submitted by shahinka.687 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates an adequate overall structure, but transitions and logical sequencing of ideas can be improved. Paragraphs need clearer and more effective topic sentences.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion are present, but the introduction could provide a stronger thesis statement and the conclusion could more effectively summarize the main points.
coherence cohesion
Main points are provided but are not fully developed or supported with specific examples, diminishes the overall persuasiveness of the essay.
task achievement
The task is addressed and there is an attempt to cover the main points. However, there should be a more detailed exploration of the reasons for unhealthy lifestyles, and more innovative and detailed solutions should be proposed.
task achievement
While some ideas are clear, they could be more fully expanded upon. Work on developing your ideas more comprehensively to fully satisfy the requirements of the task.
task achievement
There is a lack of relevant and specific examples to support the arguments. Incorporate more detailed examples and data to support your points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: