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Band 4.5

When a new town is planned, it is more important to develop public parks and sports facilities than shopping centers for people to spend their free time in. Do you agree or disagree?

#town #parks #sports #facilities #centers #people #time
It has
observed
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been observed
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 that it is more crucial to grow public areas like parks and sports equipment than shopping places
when
Correct word choice
where
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people
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
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spend their space time. I fully support
such
 a measure to do. In my viewpoint,
this
 can bring about many positive outcomes. The first benefit is that it exposes us to different sports and humanity, which stimulates us to be more active and healthier. We may
also
 be motivated to challenge existing limits of our physical and mental abilities, and even generate breakthrough innovations and achievements.
Secondly
, it is undeniable that
Correct article usage
the development
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development
Correct article usage
the development
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 of public parks and exercise areas is a commendable
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
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 that can generate
positive
Add an article
a positive
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Fix the agreement mistake
outcomes
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outcome
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outcomes
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 for society and individuals.
This
behavior
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behaviour
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 manifests social responsibility and
humanitarian
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a humanitarian
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 spirit. It can contribute to the resolution of social problems and improve
of
Remove the preposition
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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people
Change noun form
people's
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 body condition. It cannot be ignored that there are some disadvantages associated with
this
 practice. One of the drawbacks is that it does not bring commensurate rewards and leads to diminishing marginal utility, which means that the additional benefit of building public sports grounds to aid
people
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people's
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 health
healthier
Correct word choice
apply
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decreases as
amount
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the amount
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 of time increases.
This
 resulted in inefficiencies and waste of resources, which could be allocated to more productive and beneficial activities. Fortunately, there are some measures we can take to improve
this
 alarming situation. One of the possible
solution
Change to a plural noun
solutions
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 to
this
 problem is to enhance the government’s regulations of time spent using public facilities, especially the supervision of
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
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 and young population. Impose higher penalties that violate the regulations on
people
 who lack movement. In conclusion, l believe that the benefits largely of
this
 matter surpass the drawbacks, as it possesses remarkable merits and demerits are manageable.
Submitted by cyh000823 on

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Introduction
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Body paragraphs
Main points need to be supported with more specific examples and explanations to strengthen the argument.
Conclusion
The conclusion should clearly reiterate the writer's position and summarise the main arguments made in the essay.
Structure
The essay would benefit from a more logical structure, with clear paragraphing and use of cohesive devices to guide the reader through the argument.
Vocabulary
Including a wider range of vocabulary specific to the topic would enhance the lexical resource score.
Grammar
Work on sentence structure and proper use of cohesive devices to improve grammatical range and accuracy.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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