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Band 4.5

n the past, when students did a university degree, they tended to study in their own country. Nowadays, they have more opportunity to study abroad. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this development? You should use your own ideas, knowledge and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.

#n #students #university #study #country #opportunity #development #support #arguments #evidence
Nowadays, youngsters possess more opportunities to have a better education by studying overseas than those students in the past. In my perception, it is certain that adolescents who are studying abroad
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 a
university
 degree tend to have better career lives than those who stay in
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 original
country
. It is because they are more likely to be bilingual or even multilingual;
thus
, the company would demand these young individuals more than the monolingual.
To begin
 with, young
people
 who are doing
university
Add an article
a university
show examples
 degree
in
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apply
show examples
overseas would at least speak 2 languages: their own language and the language of the
country
 they are staying
, which
Change preposition
in, which
show examples
 benefits them in their career lives. It is because companies all over the world desire to amplify their
business
 overseas or want to export their goods abroad;
hence
, they need
people
 who are able to communicate with the
people
 in that particular
country
, so these adolescents will be a better choice of them when recruiting employees. On the other
hands
Fix the agreement mistake
hand
show examples
,
people
 who are studying in their original countries tend to be monolingual posing them to have more difficulty applying for jobs nowadays.
In addition
, youngsters who study in a
university
 abroad would have more connections allowing them to operate more enormous scale of
business
such
 as exporting goods.
This
 would make them become more successful and prosperous in the future.
In contrast
, teenagers who are studying in their own
country
more
Add a missing verb
are more
show examples
 likely to have
smaller
Correct article usage
a smaller
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 society and
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 connections.
Therefore
, it would be more difficult and complex for them when
operating
Wrong verb form
operate
show examples
 their own
business
. In summary, students nowadays have better opportunities in
university
 lives by going abroad unlike the young ones staying who are staying in the
country
 as it would benefit them when they are applying for jobs and running a
business
.
Thus
, adolescents,
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these days, are more likely to be successful compared to students in the past.
Submitted by dondollaraus on

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task achievement
Ensure you address both advantages and disadvantages of the development, as the task requires. This essay primarily focuses on advantages, leaving disadvantages scarcely addressed.
task achievement
Your main points require more substantial development with specific examples and evidence. This will make your arguments more persuasive and comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
Work on a clear introduction and a summarizing conclusion that encapsulates all the main points discussed. Both seem underdeveloped in this essay.
coherence cohesion
Introduce more cohesive devices and topic sentences to guide the reader through your argument effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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