IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

ln some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

#ln #cultures #children #message
There are several people who support
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
show examples
 of giving
idea
Fix the agreement mistake
ideas
show examples
 to
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
show examples
 who
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
can achieve anything if they try hard enough.
Although
 it has advantages,
this
 has some
harmfull
Correct your spelling
harmful
 impacts on
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
children's
such
 as unrealistic expectations and potential failure. One evident
benefict
Correct your spelling
benefit
 of
this
 thought is building self-confidence which will benefit
children
 throughout their lives.
In other words
, realizing the
idea
of
Change preposition
that
show examples
 everything can be done may lead to
work
Wrong verb form
working
show examples
 hard on their talents and
achieve
Wrong verb form
achieving
show examples
 success. The
idea
 that everything can be achieved by working hard enough encourages ambition in
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
show examples
. Hard
working
Replace the word
work
show examples
requies
Correct your spelling
requires
 skills which are perseverance and ambition thats are key to
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
success. By using these skills
along with
this
idea
,
children
 will see the benefits of
this
 advice.
On the other hand
, using
this
idea
 on offspring has several deleterious
impact
Change to a plural noun
impacts
show examples
. One of them is Unrealistic expectations which is
significant
Add an article
a significant
show examples
 problem for
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
show examples
. To
given
Change the form of the verb
give
show examples
 an example,
this
 message might lead to
children
 having unrealistic goals that are not in line with their actual talents or if
children
 do not reach the goals despite hard work, they may experience feelings of inadequacy and become discouraged. Because of
this
idea
,
children
 can waste their time and talents. Encouraging
children
 with the belief that they can achieve anything through hard work fosters self-confidence and ambition, shaping their perseverance and determination for success.
However
,
this
 mindset can inadvertently impose unrealistic expectations.
Children
 might pursue goals misaligned with their abilities, leading to disappointment and a sense of inadequacy if unmet. Balancing encouragement with a realistic assessment of capabilities is crucial to prevent wasted efforts and potential discouragement in
children
.
Submitted by utkankorkmaz on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
You need to ensure that there is a clear introduction and conclusion that encapsulate the main ideas of the essay. The logical flow between ideas could be improved by using more cohesive devices and clear topic sentences.
task achievement
Your essay covers the task but with only limited development of the main points. More detailed and specific examples should be given to fully address the question. Make sure each paragraph expands on a single main idea adequately.
lexical resource
The essay exhibits a limited range of vocabulary, with some repetition of words and expressions. Work on expanding your vocabulary and using synonyms to avoid repetition.
grammatical range
Your essay would benefit from a wider range of complex structures and more variation in sentence types. Be mindful of errors that can cause confusion and try to use a variety of grammatical structures proficiently.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • self-confidence
  • perseverance
  • ambition
  • unrealistic expectations
  • talents
  • frustration
  • inadequacy
  • natural aptitudes
  • encourages
  • disregard
  • high self-esteem
  • can-do attitude
  • persistent
  • accomplish
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!