IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar; which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
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It is argued that
prices
Use synonyms
 of sugary
products
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 should be increased in order to prevent
people
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Change preposition
from getting
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getting
Change preposition
from getting
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 health problems.
This
Linking Words
 essay completely agrees with
this
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 statement because
by
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apply
show examples
increasing the
price
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 of
high sugar
Add a hyphen
high-sugar
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products
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,
these
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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will not be profitable for the consumers,
also
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individuals
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 will be aware of how harmful these
products
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 are.
People
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 will be less willing to buy
produts
Correct your spelling
products
 with high level
in
Change preposition
of
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 sugar if the
prices
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 of these
products
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increases
Change the verb form
increase
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.
This
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 is because sugary
products
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 are only snacks, not
a
Correct article usage
apply
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normal meal, so is not profitable for
individuals
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 to spend more money
in
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on
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 sweets,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 are bad for their health, than
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
products
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as vegetables and rice which its cheap and provides sources of vitamins which keep their body healthy.
For instance
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, Japan increased
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prices
Correct article usage
the prices
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 of sweets and chocolate
since
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in
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 2019 which reduced sales of
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
produts
Correct your spelling
product
products
in
Change preposition
by
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 approximately 70%.
Individuals
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 are unaware
about
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of
show examples
 how harmful are the
products
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 they consume. Normally, when
individuals
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 buy a product, they only think of the taste and the
price
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. Sugary
products
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 are cheap to produce and
also
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, sold at a low
price
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, allowing many
people
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 to be able to afford
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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. Consuming
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this
Change the determiner
this product
these products
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products
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 leads to many health problems, which they are not aware
until
Change preposition
of until
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 they go to the doctor.
For instance
Linking Words
, 50% of American adults are obese
due to
Linking Words
 excessive consumption of sugary
products
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, so increasing the
price
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 of these
products
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, diabetes and obesity cases
will reduce
Verb problem
apply
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. In conclusion, increasing the
price
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 of
products
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 with
high
Add an article
a high
the high
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 level of sugar will let
people
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 know
that is
Linking Words
 not profitable to buy these
products
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 and allow
people
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 to know the damages that these goods
causes
Change the verb form
cause
show examples
 to their body,
therefore
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, I believe, that the
prices
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 of the sugary
products
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 should be increased.
Submitted by elenazheng1211 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear and logical arrangement of ideas throughout the essay to enhance the flow of information and make it easier for the reader to follow your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Introduction and conclusion should be clear, concise, and effectively bookend the essay, summarizing your stance and the content of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Support main points with clear, relevant examples, and make sure they are well-explained to effectively argue your point of view.
task achievement
Address all parts of the task comprehensively, ensuring full coverage of the topic without irrelevant details or omissions.
task achievement
Clarify and expand your ideas fully, providing a comprehensive analysis that supports your thesis and helps to persuade your reader effectively.
task achievement
Provide specific examples that directly support your argument. Make sure the examples are detailed and relevant to your point.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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