IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some young people like to copy the behavior and clothes of famous people today. Why might this be the case? What problem can it cause?

#people #copy #behavior #clothes #be #case
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Nowadays, certain young individuals tend to imitate
celebrities
’
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 and
fashion
 because they view those famous
people
 as their role models.
This
 issue is still debatable as
people
 hold different opinions on what are the causes and effects of
this
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
. In my aspect,
this
imitation
 found in
youngsters
 is the result of the prevalence of social
media
 which leads to an excessive desire for a luxurious and ostentatious lifestyle, and
this
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 causes
youngsters
 to lose their
individuality
 for wanting to be someone else. With
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
regard to the cause, celebrity
imitation
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 found among
people
 is attributed to social
media
 consumption. Social
media
 is full of fabricated content showing off lifestyle and
fashion
 as
people
 tend to try to look perfect online in order to gain likes and comments. Especially, the
celebrities
 who need to maintain high social
media
 engagement for their monetary return in careers. The case is that when the followers, especially the young ones, consume these perfect posts from
celebrities
 they easily feel jealous and intimidated as
youngsters
 are still mentally vulnerable and not confident.
As a result
, young
people
 start to copy the lifestyle and
fashion
 of these famous
people
. The subsequent problems found in young
people
 are the loss of
individuality
 and
never- ending
Correct your spelling
never-ending
show examples
 demands.
Imitation
 of celebrity
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 can prevent
youngsters
 from finding their true lifestyles
such
 as hobbies or
fashion
. They sacrifice their vulnerable
adolescents
Change noun form
adolescents'
adolescent's
show examples
 time to copy
celebrities
instead
 of finding themselves which will significantly damage their sense of
individuality
.
Also
, the
imitation
 of affluent
celebrities
 will cause incessant demands as those vulnerable young adolescents will believe that purchasing the same material items that those
celebrities
 possess will bring them closer to
become
Wrong verb form
becoming
show examples
those
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
famous icons. To summarize, the prevalence of social
media
 which shows the ideal life of
celebrities
 urges young individuals to imitate the
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 and styles of famous
people
.
As a result
, those
youngsters
’ self-confidence is susceptible;
therefore
,
this
imitation
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 can easily damage their
individuality
 and stimulate unnecessary demands.
Submitted by dondollaraus on

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Introduction & Conclusion
Ensure your introduction provides a clear context and indicates the direction your essay will take. Your introduction sets the topic well, but it could have more explicitly outlined both the causes and the potential problems associated with the behavior.
Coherence & Cohesion
Use a mixture of discourse markers to guide the reader through your argument seamlessly. While your text has logical structure, aim for a variety of connecting words and phrases rather than relying on the same transitions.
Support & Development
Remember that each paragraph should explore a single main idea. Ensure you develop your main points with appropriate support, such as concrete examples or explanations, which were somewhat lacking in your essay.
Task Response
While you covered the task reasonably well, providing more specific examples and deeper exploration into the implications would enhance task achievement. Aim for detailed analysis and deeper insights into the issue under discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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