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Band 4.5

The restoration of old buildings in major cities in the world cost numerous government’s expenditure. This money should be used in new housing and road development. Do you agree or disagree?

#restoration #buildings #cities #world #cost #government’s #expenditure #money #road #development
There is a controversial perspective heating up a debate over the fact that it is comparatively essential for the authority to pour
money
 into thriving accommodation and road systems rather than renovating some historical buildings in central cities all around the world which costs a great deal of national coffer. I would contend that I relatively have a consensus with
this
 idea. Without a shadow of a doubt, allocating the governor's source of
money
 to traffic-related infrastructures plays
such
 a paramount vital role in citizens’ daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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.
This
 is
due to
 the fact that in
this
 fast-paced era, the moving demand of people is drastically increasing in order to serve their working and studying.
Therefore
,
this
 appropriate action of the state will make a great contribution to their
labor
Change the spelling
labour
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 and schooling productivity, which helps the nations become more prosperous and fostering.
For example
, in Vietnam, a large amount of
money
 is cashed into some traffic works, namely
Cat
Correct article usage
the Cat
show examples
 Linh - Ha Dong railway line or Hanoi bus system by the government supporting tremendously dwellers’
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Hence
, inhabitants are the beneficiaries of improved traffic facilities from the authority.
While
 the necessity of pumping residents’
money
 into the development of road conveniences is widely acknowledged,
this
money
’s source is still separated into enhancing some internationally acclaimed ancient places in megacities. It is easily realized that buildings with old age are the historical symbols, which marked sacred milestones and expressed a different cultural identity of a nation. The temple of literature or small houses in
Old
Correct article usage
the Old
show examples
 Quarter can be cited as some of the most outstanding instances located in the heart of Hanoi invested
to
Change preposition
in to
show examples
renovate
Wrong verb form
renovated
show examples
 annually by the Vietnamese state.
Thus
, it is of
essence
Add an article
the essence
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 for leading people to spend a part of
national
Correct article usage
the national
show examples
 fund to preserve these valuable historical buildings. In conclusion,
although
 the government’s
money
allocating
Change the form of the verb
allocated
show examples
 to traffic improvement is put into the priority, it is
also
 practically crucial to pay an affordable part of
budget
Add an article
the budget
show examples
 for ancient works.
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay shows a basic logical structure, but it is compromised by long, convoluted sentences and excessive use of linking words that do not always lead to clear logical progression. To improve this area, consider breaking complex ideas into simpler sentences that feed naturally into one another, ensuring each paragraph smoothly transitions to the next with clear, logical connectors.
coherence cohesion
While you have introduced the main topic and provided a conclusion, the introduction and conclusion do not effectively frame the essay. Your introduction should clearly state your position on the issue and your conclusion should succinctly summarize your arguments. Ensure that your conclusion is not just a repetition of the introduction, but a reaffirmation of your stance after presenting your arguments.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt but can benefit from a more structured approach to discussing ideas. Ensure that you fully develop each argument with comprehensive explanations and relevant examples. Balancing the discussion between investing in old buildings and new infrastructure could enhance your task achievement score. Each paragraph should have a clear central idea that directly relates to the question posed, and this should be supported by specific examples or evidence.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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