Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Television advertising directed toward young children (aged two to five) should not be allowed. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Nowadays,
advertistments
Correct your spelling
advertisements
are more powerful. Some
TV
commercials
specially
Replace the word
especially
show examples
focus on young
children
, it is should not allowed. I totally agree with
this
statement . In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
I will discuss
further
and explain the reasons for my agreement. When the company
creating
Wrong verb form
creates
show examples
the
advertistement
Correct your spelling
advertisement
advertisements
they have a target market. Some
commercials
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
directly target
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
young
children
beacuse
Correct your spelling
because
it is easy for them to create demand for their products.
For example
, recently there was a
magerine advertistment
Correct your spelling
magazine advertisement
, in
this
, they straight away talk to the
children
, They
tell
Verb problem
say
show examples
,
when
Correct word choice
that when
show examples
you eat
magerine
Correct your spelling
machine
only you will have
energy
Correct article usage
the energy
show examples
,
ability
Correct article usage
the ability
show examples
to play sports and be a talented kid in the classroom.
However
, we all know magerine
contained
Wrong verb form
contains
show examples
bad fat and it
cuase for
Verb problem
causes
show examples
cancers
Fix the agreement mistake
cancer
show examples
. When the
kids
see
this promotions
Change the determiner
this promotion
these promotions
show examples
they
requested
Wrong verb form
request
show examples
their
parents
to buy those products. At the same time they will offer a free toy so,
kids
will
defenitly
Correct your spelling
definitely
attract
Wrong verb form
be attracted
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
their products. I think
wrong
Correct article usage
the wrong
show examples
influence
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
children
is not good marketing. It
is contrast
Change the verb form
contrasts
show examples
the marketing ethics.
On the other hand
,
parents
have a
responsibilty
Correct your spelling
responsibility
to avoid the
TV
from
kids
,
hense
Correct your spelling
hence
,
busy
Add an article
the busy
a busy
show examples
schedule of the
parents
they allow their
children
to watch
TV
long time.
Therefore
,
kids
watch everything on
TV
and they believe what they watch
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
TV
is real.
However
,
parents
want to control their screen time and teach them what is real and what is not
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
TV
.
For instance
,
instead
of letting them
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
watch
television
Add a comma
television,
show examples
they can
give
Verb problem
watch
show examples
some downloaded programme,
then
they can not see
TV
commercials
. In conclusion, I personally
not
Add a missing verb
am not
show examples
happy with most of the
advertistments
Correct your spelling
advertisements
, even of the adult
commercials
. Companies doing those productions for targeting profit,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
do not care about the quality or moral value of their productions.
Therefore
,
parents
want to avoid
commercials
as much as possible
otherwise
children
will have wrong information from their childhood.
Submitted by Sa.inaka on

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Introduction
Your introduction could be improved by presenting a clear thesis statement that outlines the essay's direction. Avoid general statements and get straight to the point of your argument.
Paragraph structure
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that the sentences within those paragraphs are logically organized to enhance understanding.
Supporting evidence
Provide real evidence or statistics to support your points, rather than hypothetical examples, to make your argument stronger and more credible.
Conclusion
Your conclusion can be improved by summarizing your main points with clarity. Ensure you restate your position one final time and leave the reader with something to think about.
Task Response
Address the task more directly by clearly stating whether you agree or disagree with the statement and by substantiating your opinion with precise ideas and examples relevant to the question.
Linking
Use a wider range of cohesion devices to link ideas across sentences and paragraphs. This will make your essay flow better and be easier to follow.
Grammar and Complexity
Try to avoid grammatical errors and use a range of sentence structures. Complex sentences, in particular, can help show off your language skills if used correctly.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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