IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

The crime rate among teenagers has increased dramatically in many countries. Discuss some possible reasons for this increase and suggest solutions.

#crime #rate #teenagers #countries
Over the
last
decade
Add a comma
decade,
show examples
 there has been a massive rise in the level of
crime
 committed by teenagers in a number of countries. It is
important
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
crucial to establish why
this
 has happened and to look at ways to solve the problem. One reason is the breakdown
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the nuclear family. The high divorce rates have meant many children have been brought up in one-parent families with no father to act as a role model which is detrimental to their development.
This
 is particularly important for boys, who without
this
 guidance are easily led astray by bad influences
such
 as drugs and
crime
. Another factor is the lack of things to do for the young.
For example
, in the UK, many television programs about
this
 issue have shown that teenagers hang around in the evenings with little to do. When
this
 happens,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
boredom means they will find their own entertainment, which is often
crime
Correct article usage
a crime
show examples
. There are,
however
, ways to tackle these problems.
Firstly
, the government should provide more support for families. They could,
for instance
, invest more into building and staffing youth centers which would provide guidance through the youth workers and
also
 enable teenagers to focus their attention on sport and other activities. Parents should
also
 be encouraged to take more responsibility for their children. Ultimately, the onus is on them to ensure their children are brought up in a loving environment which would make them less likely to turn to
crime
. They could,
for example
, find a male relative to act as a role model.
Therefore
,
it is clear that
 there are various reasons for
this
 rise in
crime
, but solutions are available. If we begin to tackle the issue now, we may be able to prevent the situation from declining
further
.
Submitted by ahmed.nabih.salem on

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Task Achievement
To achieve a higher score for task achievement, thoroughly respond to all parts of the task. Although the essay has addressed possible reasons and solutions for the increased crime rate among teenagers, it could have been enhanced with more detailed examples and a deeper exploration of the issues raised. Adding more specific evidence and expanding on the ideas would provide a richer, more comprehensive response.
Coherence and Cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that paragraphs flow logically from one to the next, with a variety of linking phrases. While your essay is mostly well-organized, transitions between ideas could be smoother. Additionally, using a wider range of cohesive devices can help clarify relationships between ideas and add sophistication to the essay structure.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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