IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

The charts below the main reasons for the study among students of different age groups and the amount of support they received from employers.

#study #students #age #groups #amount #support #employers
The bar graph illustrates the main purposes of studying for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
students in different
age
groups
, which the reported reasons are for career and for interest. The other graph depicts the employer support that the employees gain, which is
also
 represented in various
age
groups
.
Overall
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young adults who are below 26
years
 old tend to
study
 for
career
Add an article
a career
show examples
.
In contrast
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individuals who are over 49
years
 old are more likely to
study
 for interest.
In addition
, the employers support the young workers and the seniors the most. The percentage of students under 26
years
 old who
study
 their career is 80 per
cent
, but it gradually decreases as they are getting older which ended up at 20 per
cent
 for learners who are over 49
years
 old.
On the other hand
, individuals who are under 26
years
 old who
study
 for interest
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 the
least
Correct word choice
lowest
show examples
 percentage among all the reported
age
groups
, which is at merely 10 per
cent
.
However
,
this
 percentage rises as people’s
age
 increases, which was at 70% for people who are above 49
years
 old, the
last
 reported
age
 group. Among all the reported year
groups
, workers who are below 26
years
 old are assisted the most by their employers at approximately 74 per
cent
.
Nonetheless
,
this
 number drops in the next 2 reported year
groups
 reaching the lowest point at around 35%. In the
last
 2
age
groups
,
this
 number,
however
, rises
up
Rephrase
apply
show examples
respectively, ending up with 45%
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 people who are over 49
years
 old.
Submitted by dondollaraus on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
To improve the coherence and cohesion of your essay, focus on creating a clear and logical flow of ideas. In your introduction, make sure to introduce both charts explicitly and explain what they represent so the reader understands the context right away. Additionally, work on presenting the information in a manner that progresses logically from one point to another, using appropriate linking phrases such as 'meanwhile', 'in contrast', and 'regarding'. When concluding, always include a distinct final paragraph to summarize the main points and your overall analysis. Doing so will strengthen the overall structure and help connect your ideas seamlessly.
task achievement
In terms of task achievement, try to ensure that your essay fulfills all aspects of the question. Offer a balanced analysis that addresses all the key elements presented in the charts. Make sure to provide an overview of the charts at the start, and then include specific, detailed comparisons where necessary. Remember to use a range of vocabulary and sentence structures to elaborate on your points clearly and comprehensively. Moreover, incorporating a variety of pertinent examples can enhance the clarity of your ideas and show a deeper understanding of the data.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!