IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The charts below the main reasons for the study among students of different age groups and the amount of support they received from employers.

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The bar graph illustrates the main purposes of studying for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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students in different
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
, which the reported reasons are for career and for interest. The other graph depicts the employer support that the employees gain, which is
also
Linking Words
 represented in various
age
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groups
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.
Overall
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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young adults who are below 26
years
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 old tend to
study
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 for
career
Add an article
a career
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.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individuals who are over 49
years
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 old are more likely to
study
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 for interest.
In addition
Linking Words
, the employers support the young workers and the seniors the most. The percentage of students under 26
years
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 old who
study
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 their career is 80 per
cent
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, but it gradually decreases as they are getting older which ended up at 20 per
cent
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 for learners who are over 49
years
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 old.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, individuals who are under 26
years
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 old who
study
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 for interest
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 the
least
Correct word choice
lowest
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 percentage among all the reported
age
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groups
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, which is at merely 10 per
cent
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.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 percentage rises as people’s
age
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 increases, which was at 70% for people who are above 49
years
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 old, the
last
Linking Words
 reported
age
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 group. Among all the reported year
groups
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, workers who are below 26
years
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 old are assisted the most by their employers at approximately 74 per
cent
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.
Nonetheless
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 number drops in the next 2 reported year
groups
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 reaching the lowest point at around 35%. In the
last
Linking Words
 2
age
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groups
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,
this
Linking Words
 number,
however
Linking Words
, rises
up
Rephrase
apply
show examples
respectively, ending up with 45%
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 people who are over 49
years
Use synonyms
 old.

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coherence cohesion
To improve the coherence and cohesion of your essay, focus on creating a clear and logical flow of ideas. In your introduction, make sure to introduce both charts explicitly and explain what they represent so the reader understands the context right away. Additionally, work on presenting the information in a manner that progresses logically from one point to another, using appropriate linking phrases such as 'meanwhile', 'in contrast', and 'regarding'. When concluding, always include a distinct final paragraph to summarize the main points and your overall analysis. Doing so will strengthen the overall structure and help connect your ideas seamlessly.
task achievement
In terms of task achievement, try to ensure that your essay fulfills all aspects of the question. Offer a balanced analysis that addresses all the key elements presented in the charts. Make sure to provide an overview of the charts at the start, and then include specific, detailed comparisons where necessary. Remember to use a range of vocabulary and sentence structures to elaborate on your points clearly and comprehensively. Moreover, incorporating a variety of pertinent examples can enhance the clarity of your ideas and show a deeper understanding of the data.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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