IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Many people try to balance work and other parts of their life. However, this is very difficult to do. What are the problems associated with this? What is the best way to achieve a better balance? Write at least 250 words.

#people #balance #work #parts #life
Most
of
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apply
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people think that they want to organise their life of working, hobbies and rest.
However
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However,
show examples
 it is very hard to do. In
this
 essay, it is considered about what are the issues and what is the idea to do well
?
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.
show examples
 Modern
communication
 tools
make
Wrong verb form
have made
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worker
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workers
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work
 easier in recent years.
For example
, it is easier to have a meeting by using modern devices which let us reduce commuting
time
 to meet each other,
however
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however,
show examples
 these
type
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types
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 of meetings have been increasing than before.
In addition
, they can
work
 at home
that
Correct word choice
and
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 the opportunities to
work
with
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in
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same
Correct article usage
the same
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 room have been declining
that
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which
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 is caused
sending
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by sending
show examples
 messages and calling many times. Even though it is
dayoff
Correct your spelling
a day off
 for them, they sometimes have to communicate with
co-worker
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co-workers
show examples
. Developing
communication
 tools
rob
Fix the infinitive
to rob
show examples
 their rest is the one of biggest
problem
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problems
show examples
. Government and
employer
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employers
show examples
 have to control the working
time
/day for adults. Government decide the rules of working,
however
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however,
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 there are many cases
not
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of not
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to follow
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following
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 the rules.
On the other hand
, human have to manage their working
time
/day by themselves.
For instance
, when they have a
vocation
Correct your spelling
vacation
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/day off, they don’t contact
with
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apply
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co-leauge
Correct your spelling
co-league
. People can do many things, but it might be brave to choose their free
time
than
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over
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job
Add an article
a job
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.
Overall
,
communication
 tools
developing
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development
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 makes people
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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busy and
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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unhealthy.
For solving
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To solve
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 the problems, we need to think the
way
Fix the agreement mistake
ways
show examples
 of
communication
,
furthermore
, we are considering
about balance
Wrong verb form
balancing
show examples
work
 and other parts of their life. It is very important to
work
 but
Submitted by ionyourenglish on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear logical structure, which is essential for the reader to follow your argumentation. Consider organizing your ideas into separate paragraphs with clear topic sentences that introduce the main idea of each paragraph, and use connecting words to show the relationship between ideas.
coherence cohesion
You should include an introduction and conclusion to frame your essay. The introduction should introduce the topic and your main argument, while the conclusion should summarize your main points and restate your position clearly, giving the essay a sense of closure.
coherence cohesion
The points you make to support your argument should be developed fully and supported by specific examples or evidence. Your examples are vague and do not clearly support the argument. It is important to provide concrete examples that reinforce the points you are trying to make.
task achievement
Your response does not fully address all parts of the task. You need to discuss both why balancing work and other parts of life is difficult, as well as suggest specific ways to achieve a better balance. Make sure that your essay includes a clear response to both tasks.
task achievement
Your ideas need to be expressed more clearly and comprehensively. Aim for clarity in your expression to ensure that your position and reasoning are understandable to the reader. Avoid overly complex or confusing sentences.
task achievement
It is crucial to use relevant and specific examples to support your points. Examples help to illustrate and reinforce your arguments. Ensure that the examples you include are directly related to the topic and clearly support your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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