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Writing Samples
Band 6

Today our communications, medicine and transport systems all depend on computer technology. Our reliance on computer technology in these fields has created a dangerous situation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#communications #medicine #transport #systems #depend #computer #technology #reliance #fields #situation
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Nowadays in the age of computerization and technological breakthroughs, people more and more rely on computer technology. It has become
almost
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an almost
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 indispensable part of our lives, especially in communication, medicine, and transport.
However
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,
this
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 strategy of excessive dependence has a number of disadvantages associated with safety.
Firstly
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, the main drawback of computerization is the problem of data security. Our social media and medical informational systems contain an array of personal
information
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. Everything may seem to be safe until talented hackers can find downsides in security and steal it.
As a result
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,
this
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 data can be used for financial crimes, intimidation, or public showing.
For example
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, in medical
information
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 systems, people have a lot of personal and sensitive
information
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 about HIV status. If it spreads across the internet, it will cause unpredictable results for patient's quality of life.
Secondly
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, another important disadvantage of computer technology is the technical problems. When something goes wrong, even the most perfect mechanism breaks. It can be problems with hardware, software, electricity, and many other things. Breaks in programs or viruses can lead to
loss
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the loss
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 of a huge amount of useful
information
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 without the ability to return it. Electricity can go out, which can paralyse all systems. A good result of
this
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 is the situation in Ukraine associated with the constant bombard of civil infrastructure.
As a consequence
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, it has led to problems with electricity and caused issues with transportation in cities, with normal work of healthcare. In conclusion,
although
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due to
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 the convenience of computer technologies, their importance can not be underestimated, people do not have to rely on them too much, especially in
such
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 vital branches of life as medicine and transport. There has to be a balance between benefits and possible harm.
Submitted by artytery519 on

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coherence cohesion
Make sure to present your main arguments clearly and organize the essay into distinct paragraphs for the introduction, several body paragraphs, and the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Use a variety of cohesive devices and transition words effectively to guide the reader through your arguments, but avoid overuse that might obscure the meaning.
task achievement
A clear thesis statement in the introduction should outline the main points that will be discussed in your essay.
task achievement
Provide more relevant examples and evidence to back up each point. Examples used should be detailed and specific, not general or hypothetical.
task achievement
Ensure there is a balanced discussion of both sides of the argument if the question asks 'To what extent do you agree or disagree?'. Your opinion should be clearly stated and consistent throughout the essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • reliance
  • cybersecurity
  • over-reliance
  • digital divide
  • data breach
  • cyberbullying
  • diagnostic machines
  • electronic health records
  • automated vehicles
  • predictive maintenance
  • real-time monitoring
  • vulnerability
  • misinformation
  • hacking
  • efficiency
  • navigation systems
  • traditional skills
  • system failures
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