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Band 4.5

: Some people believe that children should spend all of their free time with their families. Others believe that this is unneccessary or even negative. Discuss the possible arguments on both sides, and say which side you personally support.

#people #children #time #families #unneccessary #arguments #side #support
Certain
people
 claim that
children
 have to be with their relatives all the
time
,
while
 others contend that it is
unnecessary
Add an article
an unnecessary
show examples
 thing to do. In my opinion, spending
time
 with their
closed
Correct word choice
loved
show examples
 ones is essential and beneficial for
children
. There might be several reasons why
people
 tend to believe that
children
 don't need to spend much
time
 with their
families
.
Firstly
, over-reliance on family
time
 may limit a child's social circle and hinder their ability to interact with a diverse range of
people
. In Russia,
for instance
, psychologists of
children
's social behaviour held an experiment among pupils of the age 7-9 years, who attended classes at school and others, who studied from home. They discovered, that
social
Correct article usage
the social
show examples
 skills of
children
 from
school
Add an article
the school
show examples
 were
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
significantly
Add an article
a significantly
show examples
 higher level. They could easily interact with peers and adults,
while
 those who
practiced
Change the spelling
practised
show examples
 a home study, had some issues with that.
Secondly
,
children
 need to learn autonomy and independent play which can be supported by spending
time
 away from family.
In other words
, social interaction without parents can help
children
 to boost their communication skills.
For instance
, in
Findland
Correct your spelling
Finland
 parents start leaving their kids in
kinderrgartens
Correct your spelling
kindergartens
kindergarten
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
all
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
day
Fix the agreement mistake
days
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
from 2 years old. Despite the arguments mentioned above
spendinf
Correct your spelling
spending
time
 with their
families
 has
crucial
Add an article
a crucial
show examples
 role
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
children
's
fitire
Correct your spelling
future
fire
 development. It
undoubtedly
Add a missing verb
is undoubtedly
show examples
, that
families
 provide a nurturing environment.
This
 means that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 spending
time
 with them helps in
children
's emotional development.
For example
,
according to
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
recent scientific research
of
Change preposition
by
show examples
 American doctors, small
children
 need to know that they are loved, in
this
case
Add a comma
case,
show examples
 they feel safe and comfortable.
Also
 engaging with family members can reinforce family bonds and teach important social values. It means that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
children
 can become more
affective
Correct your spelling
effective
show examples
 members of society in future.
For example
, once they start their professional career. In
concusion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
concussion
,
while
people
's
opinion
Fix the agreement mistake
opinions
show examples
 differ as
whether
Change preposition
to whether
show examples
 or not spending
time
 with their
families
 is important for
children
, I would argue that it is
very
Correct article usage
a very
show examples
 important part of
children
's
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
, which affects their future.
Submitted by t-staro on

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introduction conclusion present
Please make sure that your essay comprises an introduction that clearly states the issues being discussed and your stance, a body where the main points are explored with examples and explanations, and a conclusion that summarises your arguments and restates your position. The absence of a clear introduction and conclusion is a significant issue in your essay.
logical structure
Ensure logical sequencing of ideas and proper paragraphing. Use a range of cohesive devices to link ideas and paragraphs smoothly. Although there is an attempt at creating structure, the essay would benefit from more clear and purposeful paragraph transitions as well as variation in connecting words.
supported main points
Always support your main points with specific examples and explanations. In this essay, there are some generalized statements that would be strengthened by the addition of more detailed examples. Providing research findings is good but adding more concrete examples from real life scenarios or your own experience could enhance the quality of your arguments.
complete response
A complete response to the prompt is essential, including addressing all parts of the task evenly. It appears that the essay could explore some areas in greater depth, especially those opposing the writer's view. Balance is key, and showing an understanding of multiple perspectives enriches the response.
clear comprehensive ideas
The ideas presented should be clear and comprehensive. While the essay does contain relevant points, the clarity of some ideas is affected by grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. By revising the essay for language accuracy, the clarity of the ideas will significantly improve.
relevant specific examples
Incorporate specific and relevant examples to bolster your arguments. This essay does include some examples, but they are not detailed enough to fully support the assertions made. By using clear and vivid examples, you can increase the persuasiveness of your points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • nurturing environment
  • emotional development
  • reinforce family bonds
  • social values
  • over-reliance
  • diverse range of people
  • autonomy
  • independent play
  • structured
  • unstructured play
  • extracurricular activities
  • cognitive skills
  • well-rounded experience
  • social settings
  • quality of family time
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