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Band 4

These days, many people have their own computer and telephone, so it is quite easy for them to do their job at home. Does working at home have more advantages or more disadvantages?

#people #computer #telephone #job #home
re is an increase in the number of people working from home in recent times because more people own computers and mobile phones.
Although
this
 could improve the
work-lifebalance
Correct your spelling
work-life balance
 of many
individauls
Correct your spelling
individuals
, it could potentially lead to a rise in mental
health
 crises globally. I am of the opinion that the benefits of working from home
outweighs
Change the verb form
outweigh
show examples
 the disadvantages. For decades, many workers have struggled with balancing their
jobs
 with their personal lives due
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
 extremely high time demands of various
of
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apply
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different
jobs
, and
as a result
, less time spent with family, friends and leisure.
For instance
, a person
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 works over 40 hours a
weeks
Correct the article-noun agreement
week
show examples
 would have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
reduced energy and minimal time for personal interests which could ultimately impact the
health
 and well-being of different individuals. Being able to work from your own
peronal
Correct your spelling
personal
 space not only creates
flexibily
Correct your spelling
flexibility
 in
personal
Correct article usage
the personal
show examples
 lives of people
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 increases productivity at work. The impact of doing
jobs
 from home on mental
health
 cannot be ignored. There could be
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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a surge in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
global mental
health
 illnesses like depression, anxiety,
alcoholism
Correct word choice
and alcoholism
show examples
 in the future because of fewer social
interraction
Correct your spelling
interaction
interactions
 and human contact. The result of
this
 could be a decrease in work output which could potentially endanger the global economy. The
last
 few
decade
Change to a plural noun
decades
show examples
 have experienced a new way of doing our
jobs
 which includes working from our computers and mobile phones in the comfort of our homes.
While
 there a
a
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
great impact
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the family and personal lives, one cannot simply ignore the negative effect on the mental
health
 of certain individuals.
Submitted by lolaadeoje on

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introduction conclusion presence
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The introduction and conclusion were not well defined, and it's essential to clearly signal these sections to the reader.
supported main points
Expand upon your main points with more specific examples and data to support your arguments. This helps to make your essay more persuasive and compelling.
complete response
Your response needs to fully address all parts of the task. Ensure that you provide a balanced discussion of both advantages and disadvantages, rather than focusing mainly on one aspect.
clear comprehensive ideas
Work on articulating your ideas more clearly and comprehensively. Your essay should logically present points and connect them well to convey a convincing argument on the topic.
relevant specific examples
The essay lacks clear and relevant examples to support the arguments made. To improve your score, incorporate specific and detailed examples that are directly related to your main points.
logical structure
Make sure that your essay's structure is logical and that your ideas flow seamlessly from one to the next. Use transition words and phrases to connect sentences and paragraphs effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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