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Writing Samples
Band 4

Behaviour in schools is getting worse. Explain the causes of this problem and suggest some possible solutions.

#behaviour #schools
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All over the world people face up with
behaviour
Replace the word
behavioural
show examples
problems
.
This
 is getting worse. Is it because of the lack of money,
is
Correct word choice
or is
show examples
 it because of the independence of the youngest? Does school have to take a major role to prevent
this
happens
Wrong verb form
from happening
show examples
? I am going to give my point of view in my essay.
Firstly
, I want to start with the economic crisis that all societies are facing. I believe, because of that many
kids
 are getting aggressive. They don't have money to buy what other
kids
 can, and they become negative, selfish and
arrogance
Replace the word
arrogant
show examples
. All these may cause
problems
 with their
behaviour
 inside the school communities and teachers must find a way to pass through. If there was a uniform and a list of things that every pupil
can bought
Wrong verb form
could buy
show examples
 may give less school
behaviour
problems
.
Secondly
,
kids
 have plenty of free time without the supervision of their parents or an adult. So, they start thinking and behaving as if they are already adults, with the second to lead us in unexpected social behaviours.
Kids
 need to have somebody to look after them, to give them the right basis for mental and social
behaviour
. Maybe their parents or even their teachers. In my country schools closed at noon so
kids
 have the rest of the day alone. If there
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 afternoon courses at schools so everybody
must
Verb problem
could
show examples
 develop social skills through sports activities, theatre, or music classes, I believe that the problem
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
 be less. In closing, I want to mention the necessity of parents and schoolteachers, so
kids
 have better communication skills and better
behaviour
. Yes, we have
problems
 with
behaviour
 in schools, but we must start from somewhere to help our
kids
 get better and be more responsible and not so selfish.
Submitted by mayiou on

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task achievement
The essay needs a clearer introduction with a direct response to the question, outlining the causes and solutions you will discuss. A thesis statement would enhance the direction and purpose of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Your main points should be clearly divided into separate paragraphs, each discussing a single cause or solution, with a clear topic sentence to introduce the main idea of that paragraph.
task achievement
The essay would benefit from a more diverse range of sentence structures and vocabulary to show language proficiency and complexity.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words and phrases to improve the flow of ideas and show the relationships between sentences and paragraphs, bolstering coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
Provide specific examples and evidence to support your points about the causes and solutions to the problem, which will enhance the task achievement score.
coherence cohesion
End the essay with a conclusion that summarises your main points and posits a final thought or recommendation, solidifying your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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