IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Mobile phones and smart devices should be restricted and that young people should not be allowed to have them. Only people of a certain age should have permission to own them. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this proposal? What is your opinion?

Undoubtedly, in
this
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 modern era,
number
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a number
the number
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 of modifications have taken place in the community.
Due to
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this
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, a group of
people
Use synonyms
 deemed that technical
devices
Use synonyms
 should not be allowed
to
Change preposition
for
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 youngsters to navigate.
While
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,
Remove the comma
apply
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other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
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 believe that certain
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
 should have permission to own them. In the
further
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 paragraphs, I will hash out
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
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 and disadvantages
as well as
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 give my personal opinion. For a start, several factors are associated with it, but the main
is
Correct pronoun usage
one is
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 that
cybercrime
Correct article usage
the cybercrime
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 rate will be decreased . To illustrate it more, nowadays majority of young
people
Use synonyms
 are involved in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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fraud cases
such
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 as
bankrupt
Replace the word
bankruptcy
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,
scam
Fix the agreement mistake
scams
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, and
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 if the
use
Use synonyms
 of gadgets
will
Verb problem
is
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 restricted they will follow the correct path.
Apart from
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this
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, students will score high marks in their academic study because every child
prefer
Change the verb form
prefers
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 to
use
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 cell phones.
Also
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, technical
devices
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 can hold a long attention of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
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 with
this
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, they become average and cannot give proper attention towards their
study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
show examples
.
Moreover
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, a survey was conducted by Cambridge University which
conclude
Change the form of the verb
concluded
show examples
 that 85 per cent of
pupil
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pupils
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 got lower
score
Fix the agreement mistake
scores
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 because of high
uses
Fix the agreement mistake
use
show examples
 of smart
devices
Use synonyms
. Moving
further
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, there are
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of disadvantages behind
this
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 tendency. First and foremost, if only
certain
Correct article usage
a certain
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 age group
Use synonyms
people
Change preposition
of people
show examples
use
Use synonyms
 mobile phones
then
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economy
Add an article
the economy
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 will not rise because nearly 99 per cent of
people
Use synonyms
 purchase
cell
Fix the agreement mistake
cells
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 annually. Not only
this
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, but
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also
Rephrase
apply
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most
of
Change preposition
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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people
Use synonyms
 work online with the help of smart
devices
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such
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 as laptops, computers and
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 to earn money
as
Rephrase
apply
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well
Rephrase
apply
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if there
will be
Wrong verb form
are
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 restrict on
Use synonyms
use
Correct article usage
the use
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 of mobile phones industrial sector will face heavy
loss
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losses
show examples
.
Lastly
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, all over the world, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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people
Use synonyms
 do
part time
Add a hyphen
part-time
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job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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 through
internet
Add an article
the internet
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 if smart
devices
Use synonyms
 are not allowed to
Use synonyms
use
Wrong verb form
be used
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 they will face financial
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 in
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 future. In conclusion,
although
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 technology is moving at
break neck
Correct your spelling
breakneck
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 speed,
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
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there are
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of advantages if there should be restricted the
uses
Fix the agreement mistake
use
show examples
 of technology
such
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 as crime rate will be reduced
as well as
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 students can focus on their
study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
show examples
.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that the essay follows a clear logical structure. Work on paragraph transitions and the use of cohesive devices to improve the flow of ideas.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, but they could be clearer and more concise. The introduction should present the topic effectively while the conclusion should summarize the main points without introducing new information.
Coherence and Cohesion
While you provided support for your main points, try to develop them further and include more focused examples that are directly related to the essay question.
Task Achievement
Make sure to fully respond to all parts of the task. While you address both advantages and disadvantages, your argument lacks depth and specificity. Furthermore, there is room to provide a more nuanced personal opinion.
Task Achievement
Strive to clearly present and develop your ideas. Ensure that each paragraph presents a comprehensive idea or argument that contributes to the overall response.
Task Achievement
Incorporate relevant and specific examples to strengthen your arguments. The examples should be directly linked to the topic and clearly support your points.
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