IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Mobile phones and smart devices should be restricted and that young people should not be allowed to have them. Only people of a certain age should have permission to own them. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this proposal? What is your opinion?

#phones #devices #people #age #permission
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Undoubtedly, in
this
 modern era,
number
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a number
the number
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 of modifications have taken place in the community.
Due to
this
, a group of
people
 deemed that technical
devices
 should not be allowed
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 youngsters to navigate.
While
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 believe that certain
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
 should have permission to own them. In the
further
 paragraphs, I will hash out
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
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 and disadvantages
as well as
 give my personal opinion. For a start, several factors are associated with it, but the main
is
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one is
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 that
cybercrime
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the cybercrime
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 rate will be decreased . To illustrate it more, nowadays majority of young
people
 are involved in
the
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apply
show examples
fraud cases
such
 as
bankrupt
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bankruptcy
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,
scam
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scams
show examples
, and
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 if the
use
 of gadgets
will
Verb problem
is
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 restricted they will follow the correct path.
Apart from
this
, students will score high marks in their academic study because every child
prefer
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prefers
show examples
 to
use
 cell phones.
Also
, technical
devices
 can hold a long attention of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
 with
this
, they become average and cannot give proper attention towards their
study
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studies
show examples
.
Moreover
, a survey was conducted by Cambridge University which
conclude
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concluded
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 that 85 per cent of
pupil
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pupils
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 got lower
score
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scores
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 because of high
uses
Fix the agreement mistake
use
show examples
 of smart
devices
. Moving
further
, there are
number
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a number
the number
show examples
 of disadvantages behind
this
 tendency. First and foremost, if only
certain
Correct article usage
a certain
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 age group
people
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of people
show examples
use
 mobile phones
then
economy
Add an article
the economy
show examples
 will not rise because nearly 99 per cent of
people
 purchase
cell
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cells
show examples
 annually. Not only
this
, but
also
Rephrase
apply
show examples
most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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people
 work online with the help of smart
devices
such
 as laptops, computers and
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 to earn money
as
Rephrase
apply
show examples
well
Rephrase
apply
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if there
will be
Wrong verb form
are
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 restrict on
use
Correct article usage
the use
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 of mobile phones industrial sector will face heavy
loss
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losses
show examples
.
Lastly
, all over the world, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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people
 do
part time
Add a hyphen
part-time
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job
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jobs
show examples
 through
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
 if smart
devices
 are not allowed to
use
Wrong verb form
be used
show examples
 they will face financial
problem
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problems
show examples
 in
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 future. In conclusion,
although
 technology is moving at
break neck
Correct your spelling
breakneck
show examples
 speed,
but
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apply
show examples
there are
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of advantages if there should be restricted the
uses
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use
show examples
 of technology
such
 as crime rate will be reduced
as well as
 students can focus on their
study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
show examples
.
Submitted by svmaibcamaibs on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that the essay follows a clear logical structure. Work on paragraph transitions and the use of cohesive devices to improve the flow of ideas.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, but they could be clearer and more concise. The introduction should present the topic effectively while the conclusion should summarize the main points without introducing new information.
Coherence and Cohesion
While you provided support for your main points, try to develop them further and include more focused examples that are directly related to the essay question.
Task Achievement
Make sure to fully respond to all parts of the task. While you address both advantages and disadvantages, your argument lacks depth and specificity. Furthermore, there is room to provide a more nuanced personal opinion.
Task Achievement
Strive to clearly present and develop your ideas. Ensure that each paragraph presents a comprehensive idea or argument that contributes to the overall response.
Task Achievement
Incorporate relevant and specific examples to strengthen your arguments. The examples should be directly linked to the topic and clearly support your points.
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