Mobile phones and smart devices should be restricted and that young people should not be allowed to have them. Only people of a certain age should have permission to own them. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this proposal? What is your opinion?
Undoubtedly, in
this
modern era, number
of modifications have taken place in the community. Change the article
a number
the number
Due to
this
, a group of people
deemed that technical devices
should not be allowed to
youngsters to navigate. Change preposition
for
While
,
Remove the comma
apply
other
believe that certain Fix the agreement mistake
others
age
should have permission to own them. In the Fix the agreement mistake
ages
further
paragraphs, I will hash out advantages
and disadvantages Correct article usage
the advantages
as well as
give my personal opinion.
For a start, several factors are associated with it, but the main is
that Correct pronoun usage
one is
cybercrime
rate will be decreased . To illustrate it more, nowadays majority of young Correct article usage
the cybercrime
people
are involved in the
fraud cases Correct article usage
apply
such
as bankrupt
, Replace the word
bankruptcy
scam
, and Fix the agreement mistake
scams
other
if the Fix the agreement mistake
others
use
of gadgets will
restricted they will follow the correct path. Verb problem
is
Apart from
this
, students will score high marks in their academic study because every child prefer
to Change the verb form
prefers
use
cell phones. Also
, technical devices
can hold a long attention of the
Correct article usage
apply
people
with this
, they become average and cannot give proper attention towards their study
. Fix the agreement mistake
studies
Moreover
, a survey was conducted by Cambridge University which conclude
that 85 per cent of Change the form of the verb
concluded
pupil
got lower Fix the agreement mistake
pupils
score
because of high Fix the agreement mistake
scores
uses
of smart Fix the agreement mistake
use
devices
.
Moving further
, there are number
of disadvantages behind Change the article
a number
the number
this
tendency. First and foremost, if only certain
age group Correct article usage
a certain
people
Change preposition
of people
use
mobile phones then
economy
will not rise because nearly 99 per cent of Add an article
the economy
people
purchase cell
annually. Not only Fix the agreement mistake
cells
this
, but also
most Rephrase
apply
of
Change preposition
apply
the
Correct article usage
apply
people
work online with the help of smart devices
such
as laptops, computers and other
to earn money Fix the agreement mistake
others
as
Rephrase
apply
well
if there Rephrase
apply
will be
restrict on Wrong verb form
are
use
of mobile phones industrial sector will face heavy Correct article usage
the use
loss
. Fix the agreement mistake
losses
Lastly
, all over the world, most of
Change preposition
apply
the
Correct article usage
apply
people
do part time
Add a hyphen
part-time
job
through Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
internet
if smart Add an article
the internet
devices
are not allowed to use
they will face financial Wrong verb form
be used
problem
in Fix the agreement mistake
problems
their
future.
In conclusion, Change the word
the
although
technology is moving at break neck
speed, Correct your spelling
breakneck
but
there are Remove the conjunction
apply
number
of advantages if there should be restricted the Change the article
a number
the number
uses
of technology Fix the agreement mistake
use
such
as crime rate will be reduced as well as
students can focus on their study
.Fix the agreement mistake
studies
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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that the essay follows a clear logical structure. Work on paragraph transitions and the use of cohesive devices to improve the flow of ideas.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, but they could be clearer and more concise. The introduction should present the topic effectively while the conclusion should summarize the main points without introducing new information.
Coherence and Cohesion
While you provided support for your main points, try to develop them further and include more focused examples that are directly related to the essay question.
Task Achievement
Make sure to fully respond to all parts of the task. While you address both advantages and disadvantages, your argument lacks depth and specificity. Furthermore, there is room to provide a more nuanced personal opinion.
Task Achievement
Strive to clearly present and develop your ideas. Ensure that each paragraph presents a comprehensive idea or argument that contributes to the overall response.
Task Achievement
Incorporate relevant and specific examples to strengthen your arguments. The examples should be directly linked to the topic and clearly support your points.
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