IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some researchers believe that all children need to learn a musical instrument as part of their education. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#researchers #children #instrument #part #education
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
A notion among some researchers is renowned that youngsters need to learn a musical instrument on their academic journey.
This
Linking Words
 may create
student
Use synonyms
 disinterest in other academic courses and consume the time and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
energy which can be used in other productive areas.
Thus
Linking Words
, I
dont
Correct your spelling
don't
 agree with the given statement.
Firstly
Linking Words
, learning a skill apart from your academic area may cause some students to deviate from pursuing the subject courses .
Moreover
Linking Words
, these individuals could have
worse
Add an article
a worse
show examples
 impact on their academic performance,
therefore
Linking Words
, leading to demotivated and lethargic behaviour.
For instance
Linking Words
,
survey
Add an article
a survey
show examples
 conducted by Karachi High School showed that the students who had their attention drawn towards
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
skills, other than academic courses,
recieved
Correct your spelling
received
 bad grades.
However
Linking Words
, developing other skills will add more to the
student
Use synonyms
 portfolio and bring various benefits in the future.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, learning a skill is always a
step-forward
Correct your spelling
step forward
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
,
learnig
Correct your spelling
learning
 a musical instrument might not be a skill that every
student
Use synonyms
 is interested in
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
so is least likely to yield astounding results.
For instance
Linking Words
, in
contemporary
Add an article
the contemporary
show examples
world
Add a comma
world,
show examples
 every employer wants to employ someone who knows how to use
chatgpt
Correct your spelling
chatbot
.
Thus
Linking Words
 learning something beneficial and relevant to the modern world could be more sensible.
Thus
Linking Words
, learning a musical instrument could be something not to invest your precious time and energy in.
Whereas
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 precious and
ireversible
Correct your spelling
irreversible
reversible
 time can be used in other productive areas
such
Linking Words
 as learning digital marketing, search engine
optimisatio
Correct your spelling
optimisation
optimization
 and
chatgpt
Correct your spelling
chatbot
. In conclusion, every
student
Use synonyms
 has different interests, some may like playing a musical
istrument
Correct your spelling
instrument
 and some may not. And so, imposing it upon every individual to learn something they might not be inclined towards may be a bad option, especially in
contemporary
Add an article
the contemporary
a contemporary
show examples
 world where it is least likely to yield advantages.
Submitted by irazalalji on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Be sure to fully address all parts of the task. The essay presents a one-sided argument without acknowledging the potential benefits of learning a musical instrument as part of education. A balanced view with a clear opinion would enhance the essay.
coherence cohesion
Work on creating a logical flow between ideas and paragraphs. Use a range of cohesive devices to help guide the reader through your argument. Ensure your conclusion summarises your main points effectively.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: