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Band 4.5

Some species of animals are almost extinct; and many others seem to be fast approaching a similar risk. What are the reasons for this? What should be done to solve this problem?

#species #animals #risk
There are
species
 of
animals
 that have almost disappeared, and a lot of other
species
 of
animals
 that are close to the same danger. In
this
 essay, I will provide reasons and potential solutions. There are numerous reasons why a huge amount of
species
 are in danger.
Firstly
, industrialization forced
people
 to occupy more land for their needs.
This
 process led to deforestation and destroyed habitat areas of numerous
species
.
Secondly
, the hunting nature of
people
 made an important contribution to
this
 process. There are still countries that don't have rules for hunting and the animal extinction problem is critical in those places.
However
,
this
 problem might have possible solutions.
For example
, the new technological breakthrough in agriculture potentially might help to reduce the areas, which
people
 occupy. New crops with extremely high harvest rates were invented a few decades ago.
In other words
,
people
 can return the land to nature and even recreate the former habitat.
In addition
, it's possible for governments to control hunting areas and to create fees for
people
 who violate hunting rules.
To conclude
, there are many reasons why some
species
 of
animals
 are endangered and why the risk is close to other
animals
. At the same time, there are ways to save that
species
 with the help of science and governments.
Submitted by kseniya.buchina on

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Coherence & Cohesion
It is crucial that your essay maintains a logical flow and clear progression of ideas. Aim to construct a clearer structure with defined body paragraphs and transitions that guide the reader seamlessly through your argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph opens with a clear topic sentence that signals to the reader what the paragraph will discuss. This aids coherence and adds to the cohesion of your argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
The introduction should clearly rephrase the question and outline the main points you will discuss, while the conclusion should summarise your ideas without introducing new information.
Task Achievement
You have addressed the task and provided reasons and solutions, but the ideas could be more fully extended with more detailed explanations and well-chosen examples to support your points.
Task Achievement
You need to provide a more comprehensive exploration of the ideas and include specific and relevant examples to support your points effectively. This makes your argument more convincing and satisfies the task requirements.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • species extinction
  • endangered animals
  • biodiversity
  • habitat loss
  • deforestation
  • urbanization
  • poaching
  • illegal wildlife trade
  • climate change
  • pollution
  • conservation efforts
  • legislation
  • enforcement
  • human overpopulation
  • sustainable development
  • responsible consumption
  • education
  • awareness programs
  • protected areas
  • wildlife reserves
  • international cooperation
  • collaboration
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