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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

It is better for young adults to move away from their family home than to continue to live with their parents. Do you agree or disagree?

#adults #move #home #parents
There is no denying the fact that living with your parents when you are a young adult can be a debatable subject.
While
 it is a commonly held belief that some individuals think that moving away from their family home is better for young
adults
. there is
also
 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that Moving away can sometimes be essential to pursuing certain career paths or educational opportunities that are not available in one's hometown.
To begin
 with, Young
adults
 moving out can help prompt independence.
In other words
, they can learn to manage their finances, cook, clean, and solve problems on their own, leading to personal growth.
In addition
, it can assist in elevating their sense of responsibility.
For example
, Living away from family requires young
adults
 to take on responsibilities which can prepare them for future challenges in work and personal life. Another point to consider, it gives them the opportunity to develop and enhance their social skills. It is
also
 possible to say that, interacting with a diverse range of people,
such
 as roommates or neighbours, can enhance communication and interpersonal skills.
Moreover
, it helps in increasing their privacy and autonomy.
For instance
, Moving out provides young
adults
 with the space to make their own decisions and live life
according to
 their own rules. In conclusion, despite people having different views, I believe that moving away from their family home is better for young
adults
 because it gives them independence and autonomy, I suggest that parents help their children in
this
 part of life.
Submitted by abdelaah.12 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay shows some organizational structure, but the ideas could be more clearly sequenced and connected. Try to enhance your essay's logical structure through more effective use of paragraphing and better transitions between ideas.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are either missing or not clearly distinguishable. It is important to have a clear introductory paragraph stating your main topic and a concluding paragraph summarizing your views and restating your main points.
coherence cohesion
The main points are somewhat supported, but the arguments could be developed further. Include more detailed examples and explanations to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
You have addressed the task but only provided a partially complete response to the prompt. Expand on your ideas further to fully answer all parts of the question.
task achievement
Although your ideas on the topic are evident, they would benefit from being expressed more comprehensively. Clarify and develop your points further to convey a stronger argument.
task achievement
Your use of examples is a good start, but they need to be more specific and relevant to the topic. Be sure to illustrate your points with precise examples to more effectively support your argument.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Personal growth
  • Financial independence
  • Problem-solving skills
  • Responsibilities
  • Interpersonal skills
  • Autonomy
  • Social network
  • Support system
  • Living expenses
  • Emotional resilience
  • Professional development
  • Educational pursuits
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