IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Walking is known to be beneficial for health yet fewer and fewer people are walking these days. What are the reason for this? What can be done to tackle this problem?

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Whilst the advantages of jogging on a daily basis are extensively known by many,
nevertheless
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 the number of
people
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 who uphold walking is decreasing
due to
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 the shrinkage of
trails
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 in cities and the effects of digitalization. It is my firm belief that by encouraging city executive powers to establish more recreational areas for
people
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 to jog
as well as
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 educating
people
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 about the health benefits of walking outside. First of all, urbanization is one of the leading reasons that brought about the complete eradication of walking
trails
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 in many megapolises. It is important to acknowledge that the existence of these recreational areas is paramount for citizens who would indulge in hiking to escape from the hustle and bustle of cities. The construction of new residential and commercial buildings has affected joggers tremendously as they are among the group of
people
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 who are impacted the most by these works. Eventually, the extension of concrete jungles without a proper place for
people
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 to perform sports activities like walking
,
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apply
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 pushes
people
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 to explore other alternatives like altering the type of sports activities. I think
,
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apply
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 Governmental bodies should take the establishment of new
trails
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 for citizens to walk, into account
while
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 preparing the master plan of a city.
Secondly
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, having experienced these impediments in cities, more and more
people
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 now prefer to complete their morning trekking routines with the help of treadmills. The digitalized world has now a lot to offer when it comes to participating in sports activities like hiking.
For instance
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, recently,
people
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 now wear virtual reality glasses
while
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 walking on a treadmill to double the gratification as an end product. A possible solution to motivate
people
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 to return to
trails
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 is enlightening them about the repercussions of continuous home exercises. In conclusion,
although
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 urbanization and digitalization are the chief culprits for fewer
people
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 walking, precautionary measures like the installation of new areas and warning
people
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 about the negative outcomes of solely sticking with home exercises.

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coherence cohesion
The essay should have a clear and logical structure. While the introduction and conclusion are present, there is room for improvement in presenting ideas in a well-organized manner. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea that is well-developed and concluded.
coherence cohesion
Main points must be supported by specific examples and explanations. The essay provides some explanation but lacks concrete examples that clearly support the argument.
task achievement
Make sure to address all parts of the task adequately. Both the reasons for the problem and solutions are mentioned, but they require thorough development to cover the prompt completely.
task achievement
Strive for clarity in presenting ideas. On occasions, ideas are introduced without clear development or exploration, which inhibits the overall comprehensiveness of the essay.
task achievement
Incorporate relevant, specific examples to illustrate and strengthen your points. There is an inadequate use of examples to back up claims, which diminishes the persuasive power of the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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