IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that quality of life is less closely related to money than to the amount of free time they have. What is more important for good quality of life ? What other factors do you think are important?

These days, people are working more and more to increase their living standards, but the question remains: is
money
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is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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the only effective way to enhance our quality of
life
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 ? No doubt,
this
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 question has been a matter of debate and controversy with many conflicting
opinion
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opinions
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.
This
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 essay will discuss and
juxtpaose
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juxtapose
juxtaposed
 some factors that could enhance our lives. Some say that
money
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 matters when it comes to
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overall
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the overall
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 satisfaction of individuals. Understandably, it makes sense.
To an
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An
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 example of rich celebrities. They have an ample amount of convenient tools,
such
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 as luxury cars, personal fitness trainers, household servants and so on. Not only
this
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,
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, but
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their wealth
also
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enable
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enables
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 them to spend
vacation
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a vacation
the vacation
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 in any part of the world with friends and family on expensive yachts, famous hotels and any luxury that one could possibly imagine.
This
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 leads many people to believe that more bank balance is the only way to achieve
prosperous
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a prosperous
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life
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.
However
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,
this
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 is not always true. Many celebrities
work
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 tirelessly from one project to
the
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apply
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another.
This
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 has many repercussions on their
overall
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wellbeing
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well-being
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.
For example
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, the famous veteran of
film
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the film
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 industry Jim Carey had confessed that going after wealth has brought him depression and
also
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 led him to resort to drug abuse in order to encounter the stress of his
work
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 and managing personal
life
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.
This
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serve
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serves
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 as evidence that wealth alone does not suffice for a better
life
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. Man is a social animal; how extra
money
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 could bring happiness if there is
a
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apply
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no
time
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 for an individual to meet his social and recreational needs ?
This
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 is why it is important to foster a lifestyle that
also
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leave
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leaves
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 a person adequate spare
time
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 to meet family and friends , and personal amusement.To illustrate, the joy of meeting friends on weekends, spending
time
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 playing sports and talking to family after
work
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, are far more important for sentimental needs than grinding oneself, physically and mentally,
while
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 doing long shifts at
work
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. In conclusion, a
work
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-
life
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 balance is mandatory to augment quality of
life
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.
While
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 more
money
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 can bring many luxuries to enjoy
life
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 to its fullest, compromising social and leisure
time
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 in exchange for more salary is
also
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 counterproductive.
Therfore
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Therefore
, a person needs to maintain
the
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a
show examples
 balance of both.

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coherence cohesion
The essay generally presents a logical structure, but there are instances of disjointedness that affect the flow of information. The sequence of ideas could be more smoothly transitioned to enhance the readability of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Although an introduction and conclusion are present, both could be strengthened with more clarity and a definitive stance. The introduction should clearly state the upcoming structure, and the conclusion should succinctly sum up the writer's position.
coherence cohesion
Main points are supported by examples and explanations; however, some ideas require further development to fully convey their relevance. Aim to integrate examples more seamlessly into the argument and to ensure they directly support the corresponding main point.
task achievement
The essay responds to the prompt with a complete answer, addressing both parts of the question. However, ensure all aspects are fully developed with a well-balanced argument for a higher score.
task achievement
Clarity could be improved with more precise language and focussed argumentation. Avoid overly general statements by articulating specific ideas that directly engage with the question.
task achievement
Relevant examples are provided, but specificity is key. Enhance the quality of your examples by including details that clearly illustrate the argument, making them integral to your overall point rather than merely supplementary.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Quality of life
  • Free time
  • Financial stability
  • Work-life balance
  • Self-care
  • Mental health
  • Burnout
  • Social connections
  • Emotional support
  • Community
  • Environmental factors
  • Green spaces
  • Pollution-free
  • Personal fulfillment
  • Life purpose
  • Companionship
  • Recreational activities
  • Cultural activities
  • Health care access
  • Education
  • Societal context
What to do next:
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