Some people think that quality of life is less closely related to money than to the amount of free time they have. What is more important for good quality of life ? What other factors do you think are important?

These days, people are working more and more to increase their living standards, but the question remains: is
money
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
the only effective way to enhance our quality of
life
? No doubt,
this
question has been a matter of debate and controversy with many conflicting
opinion
Change to a plural noun
opinions
show examples
.
This
essay will discuss and
juxtpaose
Correct your spelling
juxtapose
juxtaposed
some factors that could enhance our lives. Some say that
money
matters when it comes to
overall
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the overall
show examples
satisfaction of individuals. Understandably, it makes sense.
To an
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An
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example of rich celebrities. They have an ample amount of convenient tools,
such
as luxury cars, personal fitness trainers, household servants and so on. Not only
this
,
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, but
show examples
their wealth
also
enable
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enables
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them to spend
vacation
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a vacation
the vacation
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in any part of the world with friends and family on expensive yachts, famous hotels and any luxury that one could possibly imagine.
This
leads many people to believe that more bank balance is the only way to achieve
prosperous
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a prosperous
show examples
life
.
However
,
this
is not always true. Many celebrities
work
tirelessly from one project to
the
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apply
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another.
This
has many repercussions on their
overall
wellbeing
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well-being
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.
For example
, the famous veteran of
film
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the film
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industry Jim Carey had confessed that going after wealth has brought him depression and
also
led him to resort to drug abuse in order to encounter the stress of his
work
and managing personal
life
.
This
serve
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serves
show examples
as evidence that wealth alone does not suffice for a better
life
. Man is a social animal; how extra
money
could bring happiness if there is
a
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apply
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no
time
for an individual to meet his social and recreational needs ?
This
is why it is important to foster a lifestyle that
also
leave
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leaves
show examples
a person adequate spare
time
to meet family and friends , and personal amusement.To illustrate, the joy of meeting friends on weekends, spending
time
playing sports and talking to family after
work
, are far more important for sentimental needs than grinding oneself, physically and mentally,
while
doing long shifts at
work
. In conclusion, a
work
-
life
balance is mandatory to augment quality of
life
.
While
more
money
can bring many luxuries to enjoy
life
to its fullest, compromising social and leisure
time
in exchange for more salary is
also
counterproductive.
Therfore
Correct your spelling
Therefore
, a person needs to maintain
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
balance of both.
Submitted by rohit.narad90 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay generally presents a logical structure, but there are instances of disjointedness that affect the flow of information. The sequence of ideas could be more smoothly transitioned to enhance the readability of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Although an introduction and conclusion are present, both could be strengthened with more clarity and a definitive stance. The introduction should clearly state the upcoming structure, and the conclusion should succinctly sum up the writer's position.
coherence cohesion
Main points are supported by examples and explanations; however, some ideas require further development to fully convey their relevance. Aim to integrate examples more seamlessly into the argument and to ensure they directly support the corresponding main point.
task achievement
The essay responds to the prompt with a complete answer, addressing both parts of the question. However, ensure all aspects are fully developed with a well-balanced argument for a higher score.
task achievement
Clarity could be improved with more precise language and focussed argumentation. Avoid overly general statements by articulating specific ideas that directly engage with the question.
task achievement
Relevant examples are provided, but specificity is key. Enhance the quality of your examples by including details that clearly illustrate the argument, making them integral to your overall point rather than merely supplementary.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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