Some people think that quality of life is less closely related to money than to the amount of free time they have. What is more important for good quality of life ? What other factors do you think are important?
These days, people are working more and more to increase their living standards, but the question remains: is
money
is
the only effective way to enhance our quality of Unnecessary verb
apply
life
? No doubt, this
question has been a matter of debate and controversy with many conflicting opinion
. Change to a plural noun
opinions
This
essay will discuss and juxtpaose
some factors that could enhance our lives.
Some say that Correct your spelling
juxtapose
juxtaposed
money
matters when it comes to overall
satisfaction of individuals. Understandably, it makes sense. Add an article
the overall
To an
example of rich celebrities. They have an ample amount of convenient tools, Change preposition
An
such
as luxury cars, personal fitness trainers, household servants and so on. Not only this
,
their wealth Add the word(s)
, but
also
enable
them to spend Change the verb form
enables
vacation
in any part of the world with friends and family on expensive yachts, famous hotels and any luxury that one could possibly imagine. Add an article
a vacation
the vacation
This
leads many people to believe that more bank balance is the only way to achieve prosperous
Add an article
a prosperous
life
. However
, this
is not always true.
Many celebrities work
tirelessly from one project to the
another. Correct article usage
apply
This
has many repercussions on their overall
wellbeing
. Correct your spelling
well-being
For example
, the famous veteran of film
industry Jim Carey had confessed that going after wealth has brought him depression and Correct article usage
the film
also
led him to resort to drug abuse in order to encounter the stress of his work
and managing personal life
.
This
serve
as evidence that wealth alone does not suffice for a better Change the verb form
serves
life
.
Man is a social animal; how extra money
could bring happiness if there is a
no Correct article usage
apply
time
for an individual to meet his social and recreational needs ? This
is why it is important to foster a lifestyle that also
leave
a person adequate spare Change the verb form
leaves
time
to meet family and friends , and personal amusement.To illustrate, the joy of meeting friends on weekends, spending time
playing sports and talking to family after work
, are far more important for sentimental needs than grinding oneself, physically and mentally, while
doing long shifts at work
.
In conclusion, a work
-life
balance is mandatory to augment quality of life
. While
more money
can bring many luxuries to enjoy life
to its fullest, compromising social and leisure time
in exchange for more salary is also
counterproductive. Therfore
, a person needs to maintain Correct your spelling
Therefore
the
balance of both.Correct article usage
a
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coherence cohesion
The essay generally presents a logical structure, but there are instances of disjointedness that affect the flow of information. The sequence of ideas could be more smoothly transitioned to enhance the readability of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Although an introduction and conclusion are present, both could be strengthened with more clarity and a definitive stance. The introduction should clearly state the upcoming structure, and the conclusion should succinctly sum up the writer's position.
coherence cohesion
Main points are supported by examples and explanations; however, some ideas require further development to fully convey their relevance. Aim to integrate examples more seamlessly into the argument and to ensure they directly support the corresponding main point.
task achievement
The essay responds to the prompt with a complete answer, addressing both parts of the question. However, ensure all aspects are fully developed with a well-balanced argument for a higher score.
task achievement
Clarity could be improved with more precise language and focussed argumentation. Avoid overly general statements by articulating specific ideas that directly engage with the question.
task achievement
Relevant examples are provided, but specificity is key. Enhance the quality of your examples by including details that clearly illustrate the argument, making them integral to your overall point rather than merely supplementary.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
