IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people say that we should not encourage sports games among schools because they lead to competition rather than cooperation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with?

#people #sports #games #schools #competition #cooperation
In the contemporary era, whether students should be inspired to play inter-school
sports
 has become an upsurging subject of widespread debate and concern. Some people assert that it fosters competitiveness rather than collaboration.
However
, I disagree with
this
 statement, and in
this
 essay, I will demonstrate the reasons. On the one hand, critics may point out some shortcomings. They may argue that competition breeds selfishness among students.
For example
,
while
 participating in
sports
, everyone wishes to win, and no one would like to fail. Nowadays, youngsters are more aggressive than earlier and do not have the strength to bear wins and losses.
As a result
, we get to hear and see in the media the arguments between them that escalated to murder.
On the other hand
, there are several arguments
favour
Change preposition
in favour
show examples
 of my stance. Mainly,
sports
 can create a good personality and self-confidence. It can build a person who can face any challenge without fear. The emergence of
such
 a group of young people is paramount for the future of the world. Truly, it is the most preponderant one, and it has many positive consequences in various ways.
Secondly
, children learn to work as a team and
also
 to collaborate
for instance
, in cricket, netball, football, and volleyball, the kind of games played as a team thereby, they feel the team spirit, which helps them to be good employees in the future.
Furthermore
, usually, whoever plays
sports
enrolls
Change the spelling
enrols
show examples
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 a
sports
 club to enhance their skills Not only that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but their social skills are honed as well. Despite some drawbacks, in conclusion, encouraging teenagers to play
sports
between
Change preposition
in
show examples
 schools has significant positive impacts on society.
Submitted by Grrace on

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coherence cohesion
Your response tended to present generalizations rather than delving into specifics, which limited the overall coherence and cohesiveness of your essay. It would be advisable to include more detailed examples to support your main points, ensuring your arguments are adequately exemplified and more convincing.
task achievement
You have attempted to address the task by presenting an argument with supporting ideas. However, your response would greatly benefit from a clearer position throughout the response and deeper development of the ideas presented. Inclusion of specific examples and a more detailed analysis would bolster your argument and enhance task achievement.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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