IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Should the government support artists, such as musicians, writers, and painters? Is it economically beneficial or is it just a waste of money? Explain both views and give your own opinion.

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There is a dilemma should the government give financial help to artists,
such
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 as musicians, writers or painters
.
Change the punctuation
?
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 Is it profitable or is it just a waste of money? In my opinion, investments in
art
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 activities could be economically beneficial.
To begin
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 with,
development
Correct article usage
the development
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 of
art
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 in a country can increase demand for it among
people
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.
Thus
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, many schools, companies and courses may appear, which means
people
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 with
art
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 education will receive
work places
Correct your spelling
workplaces
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,
consequently
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, the government would receive more taxes.
Moreover
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, if
art
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 is developed enough, it can cause the appearance of world-famous painters, musicians or artists. Respectively, these
people
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 can raise the level of tourism in the country, which is evidently good for the economy of the state.
For example
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, the Korean world-known musician group “BTS” makes millions of
people
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 want to visit their concerts
,
Correct word choice
and, therefore
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therefore
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, to visit Korea.
On the other hand
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,
this
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 area is not a priority for the majority of
countries
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 because that sphere is not as stable as others in which the government can invest money. As an illustration, how many
countries
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 do you want to visit except a few most popular ones? Ultimately, I think only developed nations can sponsor artists without any doubts.
To sum up
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, in my view, the development of
art
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 is helpful for
general
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the general
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 education of
people
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,
however
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, on the hand of the economy, there are some factors.
That is
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 why you probably know many,
for instance
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, famous musicians groups from developed
countries
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 and none from developing or poor
countries
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.

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task response
While your essay addresses the topic, there is room for improvement in fully exploring both sides of the argument. Ensure that you provide a more balanced discussion by dedicating equal attention to both the potential benefits and downsides of government support for artists.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay could be more coherent by using a wider range of cohesive devices and paragraphing more effectively. Remember, each paragraph should focus on one main idea and be clearly separated from the others for readability. Use linking words to create better flow between sentences and ideas.
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