IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think that drug addicts should be treated like criminals and sent to jail, while other believe that they should be treated like patients and sent to hospital. Discuss bothe these views and give your own opinion

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In the debate
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 how to deal with drug addicts?
people
Use synonyms
 have two different approaches, half of them believe in treating
such
Linking Words
people
Use synonyms
 as criminals
while
Linking Words
other
Correct article usage
the other
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 half is more compassionate and wants them to be considered as patients. It is striking how opposite both the narratives are, with one focussing on punishment and the other on rehabilitation,
moreover
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, personally I opine more with the first perspective. First of all, statistically today drugs are more commonly used than they ever were. It is illegal to sell them and
still
Add a comma
still,
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 1/3 of a
country
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country's
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 population is under its influence.
People
Use synonyms
knowing
Wrong verb form
who know
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 all the related health hazards and
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 impact on
the
Change the word
their
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 behaviour, still willingly pay
high
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a high
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 price to buy
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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.
Such
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people
Use synonyms
 become a source of causing crime
in
Change preposition
on
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streets
Correct article usage
the streets
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 and harm other
people
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. As per the police records, a vast number of criminal activities are performed by
drug-addicts
Correct your spelling
drug addicts
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 and yet they are unaware of their activities
due to
Linking Words
 drugs.
Hence
Linking Words
, it is compulsory to jail them and provide medical
facility
Fix the agreement mistake
facilities
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 inside so they can recover from the addiction and get the punishment for their
wrong doings
Correct your spelling
wrongdoings
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.
On the other hand
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,
irony
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the irony
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 of
this
Linking Words
 addiction is that some
people
Use synonyms
 unwillingly fall
in
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into
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 the trap of
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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junky friends or cunning sellers and sometimes depression takes
toll
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a toll
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 on them. These
people
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 need help via rehabilitation
centers
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centres
show examples
 or some psychics for mental illness treatment and some moral support from family and society.
For instance
Linking Words
, rehab
centers
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center
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 demand has increased as 6 out of 10 addicts make their journey to soberness every other quarter.
This
Linking Words
 needs to be highlighted and promoted among communities in order to have a peaceful
crimefree
Correct your spelling
crime-free
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 and
addiction free
Add a hyphen
addiction-free
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 environment. In conclusion, it is understandable that the population is divided into two groups for drug addicts with one taking it as a crime and
other
Correct article usage
the other
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 as an illness. It is,
however
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, the demand
that is
Linking Words
 similar, which is the treatment. In my
belief
Add a comma
belief,
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 it is a crime that one commits within his senses and later cannot step out of
this
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 turmoil, so it is necessary to put a stop by putting them on jail trials and
give
Wrong verb form
giving
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 them
required
Correct article usage
the required
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 treatment inside the jail.

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coherence cohesion
Your introduction discusses the two perspectives, but it's not clear. The introduction should present the purpose of the essay and a brief overview of the points that will be discussed.
coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks clear and logical progression of ideas. Your paragraphs should be well-organized with clear topic sentences and subsequent sentences should clearly support the main idea.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion is present, but it does not effectively summarize the main points of the essay. Ensure that your conclusion restates the main ideas and your own opinion clearly.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task but does not fully develop all parts. Spend more time analyzing each viewpoint and present more developed ideas and arguments.
task achievement
Your arguments need to be supported by more relevant examples and evidence. Use clear examples to illustrate your points and provide more depth to your argument.
coherence cohesion
Be careful with the use of complex sentences to avoid errors with grammar and punctuation. Aim for accuracy to enhance the clarity of your ideas.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • addiction
  • rehabilitation
  • recidivism
  • stigmatization
  • harm reduction
  • detoxification
  • methadone maintenance
  • narcotics
  • decriminalization
  • incarceration
  • therapeutic communities
  • substance abuse
  • preventative measures
  • judicial system
  • social reintegration
What to do next:
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